Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen
– Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.
– The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
– The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
– Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.
– Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
– Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
– Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
– Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
– If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
– Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
– If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.
– Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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– Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
– If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
– Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
– Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
– Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.
– The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
– A closed mouth gathers no feet.
– There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
– Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.
– Never miss a good chance to shut up.
– Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
– When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
– The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
– Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.