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Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen

Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen

– Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.

– The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

– The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

– Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

– Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

– Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

– Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

– Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

– If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

– Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

– If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

– Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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– Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

– If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

– Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

– Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

– Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.

– The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

– A closed mouth gathers no feet.

– There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

– Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.

– Never miss a good chance to shut up.

– Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

– When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

– The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

– Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

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