All human beings crave a certain level of safety, assurance and predictability in our lives, for this is the foundation of our most basic behaviour: survival. When things are VERY uncertain, we tend to be freaked out! Which causes us to reach for different vehicles of comfort such as friends/family, television, or alcohol. And once we’re at a level where we feel certain there are no more dangers, we can relax and actually focus on the other needs. So this is one spectrum where the need for certainty is entirely UNMET, hence causing nerve-wrecking stress and pain. Everyone requires different levels of certainty in their lives. Paras note: I know I need my routines and rituals like work, gym, meditation, service.
Another word for uncertainty is variety. We all need a change of scenery every now and then, watch a new movie, travel to a new country. For this is what makes life exciting because we DON’T know what to expect, but the uncertainty level is still tolerable enough that we know in the end the variety will bring us pleasure. Too much uncertainty will bring us fear, while not enough will cause boredom. So really the first two needs are pieces of the same pie, if my need for uncertainty is at 70%, then my need for certainty will only be at 30%. Paras note: I’m certain to cycling to and from work everyday but I can add variety by trying different routes, listening to different music or trying different speeds/gears/cadence. I’m certain my gym workout will have variety everyday.
Deep down, we all need to feel that we are important, unique, and special, and this can be manifested in many ways. One vehicle for people is by becoming high achiever, because having those distinctions makes people feel important. But along the need for importance, a poor vehicle some people use is by putting down other, for that makes them feel like they are better than another. Another popular vehicle is acting/dressing in a eccentric way, many people take pride in being different and unique for that’s what fulfills their need for significance. BUT if we strive for TOO much significance and uniqueness, we end up totally different than everyone else which violates our very next need.
We all strive for a level of connection with our peers, whether that be in terms of a friendship or intimate relationship. The core of all human connections are based on similarities or sameness with one another, but if we are too busy being significant we rarely feel connected or similar to someone else. Hence again, the need for significance and connection are sharing the same piece of the pie. If our need for connection is NOT being met, we feel alone and disjointed from people. But if it’s met entirely, we no longer feel different or unique from other, hence losing our own identity and violating our need for significance.
Everything is either growing or dying, there’s no in between. And human beings are no exception, we must feel like we are constantly growing in our lives. Many people’s goal is to reach a certain financial target, or style of life, but when they get there, they become stagnant. While others might envy what these people have or achieve, they themselves are unhappy because they’re not growing anymore. They’ve reached the plateau, and there are no more mountains to climb. But we all NEED something to strive for, something that’ll challenge us to grow and take our lives to the next level.
Aside from ourselves, we all desire to make a difference and contribute to the greater good. In essence, Philanthropy is a universal need for everyone, it DOESN’T depend on the person, for everything must serve a purpose in the big ecosystem. So we as human beings all have a deep desire to contribute outside of ourselves, whether that’s manifested in the friendship circle, community, society, or country as a whole.
- Sometimes we do thinks like smoking to fulfil these needs so stopping smoking will be replaced with something else.
- People will do more for someone they care about than they do for themselves.
- Be a team player.
- Find ways to do this is connect with the person you connect least with. (Talks about a few exercises to do)
- Create magic moments with your team.
- Take 1 hour a week for yourself.
Tony Robbins How to Rebuild a Broken Relationship
He loves her but doesn’t feel physically attracted to her. He wants to be free of pain of leaving or staying so doesn’t know what to do. It’s not just her physical appearance. He doesn’t feel like a man in the relationship as she’s got balls. He feels 5th, 6th, 7th after family and kids. So he buries himself in work. If they can’t succeed in making his woman happy, HE WILL LEAVE! He can’t live knowing that he’s not the most important person to her. He feels alone as she has her family as back up which she constantly uses to go to for her needs. He couldn’t be the man while the dad was alive and now that dad is not alive he has a chance but he’s not getting it.
She loves and over does. Has a sense of humour. She goes to family under pressure. She tries to find connection through kids, other family members and food. She gets help from her family and he’s emasculated. She uses her sense of humour to put him down. She dominates the conversation and holds on to it to get to him later or tries to control the conversation any way possible. Her father was a strong man and she played the perfect role as a strong man too. She is looked about to be the man, lift things etc. She shit tests him and when he failed she went masculine/defensive and pulled away and he pulled away.
6 Question to Understanding Relationship Needs
1. Who is taking certainty and significance? (She gets it from family and children, he gets it from threatening to leave)
2. How to lay down the weapons? (She uses humour and dominating conversation)
3. What (above 6) needs are not being met? When Certainty is above all else it makes the others hard to fulfil like Connection/Love, Growth, Contribution. If she switched her priority to be Connection/Love it would be much easier to fulfil the other needs. Change any digit in a phone number and you know what happens.
4. How are these needs being met elsewhere? When both partners are getting their needs met elsewhere, what are they to each other.
5. How can they give to each other? What can you give the other. Do they like words, gifts, touch? Do you know what to give? How often do you give it?
6. How can they commit to each other? Renewal of vows. Whats is the one thing I can commit to my partner, what do they want more than anything else?
– Find out your top 2 needs.
– How do you meet those needs? Work, home, friends, relatives, by yourself?
– What has to happen to feel they’re being met?
– How often does it have to happen and with whom?
– Are you more responsive to words, touch, visual cues, gifts, gestures?
– What could your partner do to meet your needs more regularly? Have you told them?
– At what level are you meeting your partners needs on a scale from 1 to 10.
– If you are not sure ask them ‘what has to happen for you to feel this need has been met?’.
– Which of these needs are being met by outside members? Who are they?
– Are you getting more significance, love or variety from others and is your partner jealous or displaced by this?
– Are you getting them met by someone critical or judgemental of your partner? If it is you need to correct it. Call that person and tell them you love them, happy with them and need each other. Observe their reaction.
3 Levels of Relationship
1 – Only their own needs met.
2 – Partners barter for needs.
3 – Partners put the others need first.
Tony Robbins – Heal your relationship no matter what
– While she remembers all the details he doesn’t.
– Everyone withholds in relationships but it has a detrimental effect. How much do you withhold, how often?
– All men want to make their woman happy but she’s constantly breaking him down using the past. No matter what he does it’s never good enough.
– If she doesn’t make him feel like a man, he will go and get it somewhere else. It’s not always sexual but he will find a way to get the energy he needs to survive as a man.
– He’s deadened because she’s sad all the time, no matter what he does it’s no use. In that case it’s better he stays at work or the bar or elsewhere.
– 67% of marriages end in US after 1993.
– She didn’t say anything about his needs, it was all about her.
– Stabbing a man will not make him want to work harder to be close to you?
– She wants attention ALL THE TIME! Men don’t have that much attention, she wants to talk about her problem but men think that means she wants to solve them. In that case it’s better he stays at work or the bar or elsewhere.
– (Time 52.50) Men and women have different attention styles. Men are hunters, they want to solve a problem, get it done and hopefully get some love and appreciation instead of nagging when they get back home. Things have changed now but not genetics. Men just want to know 2 things – WHATS THE POINT and HOW CAN I FIX IT. Women are gatherers who need to remember more detail, this berry was here and which one to pick etc. If it wasn’t for detail pick the wrong berry and you’ll die. Also process is very important to women. If you don’t cook this and that right then again it’ll be too acidic or you’ll die. That’s women’s conversation style – ‘The Meadow Report’. Every detail times 10. His wife does a perfect example. It’s fine when women do it to each other but not when they think their man are a hairy women who need the same Meadow Report because if a woman replied short and sweet like a man they don’t trust that woman. The Meadow Report doesn’t have any point while men are looking for the point so if you do have a point make sure you get it in the first few minutes.
– Women remember because they use both sides of the brain and connect emotions to everything.
– Anchor/reward him when he does things you like or want him to do. The more you do it the more he’ll want to please you. GET THIS THROUGH – HE ALWAYS WANTS TO PLEASE YOU! Even after watching a movie or something he picks he’ll looking for your approval so when you say you didn’t like something he wants to change the movie. THATS HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO PLEASE YOU!
– Women have a fear for their life every month while hardly any men do. Difference between hunter and gatherer. Women are looking for a man they can feel safe with. And men will take care of you no matter what if they don’t feel judged and criticised.
– Once she starts making him feel bad he’s going to beat himself up too and that gets destructive. That need to want to help and rescue will turn into suspicion and broken trust if she uses her pain/trouble to manipulate him.
– Cool thought: If a bone is broken and it fixes it will be stronger than before, if a client is upset and you fix it they will be an even better client. Same for relationships.
Steps to take:
1 – Both couples are accountable meaning not 50-50 but each side is 100% accountable. Take ownership, be honest about your mistakes, focus on what’s working and what you can do better.
2 – The 6 human needs. See above. How are you fulfilling all 6 in each other on a scale of 1 to 10.
3 – Create rituals of giving and receiving. You can take or request attention or you can give it. The problem is when you get addicted to getting attention through guilt and pain. It’s a low quality attention.
4 – Inspire trust in each other. When you feel the other has your best interest at heart. Learn each others communicate style and don’t make them feel bad. Hunters should bring home a small gift every now and then and the gatherer should show appreciation for the effort. Even if it’s something you don’t like appreciate that the hunter went and got something for them.
5 – Heal wounds and create passion. Everyone has flaws they avoid. They only heal with consistent love and acceptance.