Category Archives: Personal Reflection

Lyric Enquiry

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I’m getting a lot of concern about the lyrics I add at the bottom. Mostly it’s a hint of what albums I’ve been listening to and coz after Mathe’s passing life has become kinda numb or I don’t have as much drama going on as I used to which I really miss. Those that have been getting these mails from the start know how much I enjoyed having tantrums. I miss that but don’t feel it’s worth it so the lyrics are kinda like stuff about the past, which reminds me how far away from it I have come. Most of the love lyrics are for Mathe and the others, again those are about that ‘boy’ me. So no, I’ve not kept not flame burning for anyone. I just came across a song that expressed something at some point in my past. As for the suicide choon, come on now, you know to me that’s the only sin in life coz this life is a game. Or it’s just a song I really liked but not enough to save it.

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THE MOTHER SHIP SS HOI (For when she was alive)

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THE MOTHER SHIP SS HOI (For when she was alive)
Crafted by none other, a magnum opus of the divine,
Launched into the Lake, her journey began,
A union that gave birth to the Current,
And later, when she raised her sail, created the Wind.

The Lake and Current would try to change the Wind’s direction,
But only Hoi and the Sailor knew how.
Only Hoi knew how to negotiate the Lake, Current and Wind,
And only the Wind and the Sailor knew why.

As Hoi, Lake and Current explored banks and other life around,
The Wind was left to play with the gulls ;o), clouds, trees and the Sailor,
Hoi and the Lake would venture out of their norm and soon,
They with the rest found a river that lead to the sea.

At first ecstatic as the Lake transformed into the Sea,
All five were unmindful to acclimate to the new habitat,
The Current was taken away north, only to return for short visits,
The Sea and Wind got harsher, only Hoi stayed ‘afloat’ with help from the Sailor.

But the Sea would be moved even by a little puff from the Wind,
Scapegoats Hoi and Sailor would feel the Sea’s wave on her vessel,
Even though her vessel was getting weary from feeling the harsh waves,
Hoi’s demeanour was above it all, to help divers that wanted to come up for air.

Hoi’s calling was to get to the Divine Harbour,
But her compass was now impaired,
Hoi’s calling was to be like a lighthouse to others,
But did not know her own orientation anymore.

Oft did she ask the Wind and the Sailor to capsize her,
But nature will judge and till then don’t fight the Sea
Even though he jolts you to the rocks, he knows not what or why he does,
Even the moon has a hand in his disposition.

Time has called the Current back with a friend of his ilk,
As the Currents returned, the Sea was less ruinous,
The Wind thought he found peace to play again,
To blast and blow without keeping one eye on Hoi, is what he though.

Yet the waves would rock Hoi and the Sailor if the Currents and Wind were not there,
Sailor with crew and Wind would meet at the crow’s nest to play,
But there was still divine harbour to think about,
Also, too long had Winds journey been delayed.

Time had come for the Wind to blow north,
Reluctant yet relentless he joined the Wild Geese for Winter,
The Wild Geese reminded him of real play again,
They changed the typhoons and cyclones in him.

Yes the hurricanes of his longing still blew at him,
How the Wind longs to nestle in Hoi’s sail again,
Dance at her stern till she beseech for a push,
Or tickle Hoi’s bow to irk her for love.

Now far away…
Hoi, tied to the wrong harbour, sails no more,
She flaps her sail to send a whisper to the Wind,
The Wind overwhelmed by everything new, but most significant,
Learning the discipline to breeze instead of blast and blow.

Worried Wind has torturing thoughts,
Does the Sea carry you safely to your destination?
Do the currents lift you oft or caress your vessel?
Did the Wind, does the Wind, and will the Wind do sufficient,
To treasure and acknowledge The Mother Ship?

Time shall soon take the currents south,
What will happen to the Sailor and Hoi?
Their dedication to the Sea was immutable,
The Winds still need discipline before they meet the Sea.

Only hope, faith and belief give them fortitude to move on.

(New Ending – After her emancipation)

ABANDON SHIP!
Did she sink because she was abandoned? Or,
Was she abandoned because she was sinking?
What matters is her vessel has been swallowed,
To become a treasure hidden by the Sea.

Only those worthy to sail with Hoi,
Would value and cherish the honour,
Variations of her last minutes spread across land and water,
In the end, Sailor and the Wind knew the wish came true.

Trying times for the Wind, elated by accusations and Bhakti Sutras,
The Winds only treasure had been placed back in safety of the divine,
Often hoping the he could have irked Hoi with love, One last time,
But doing so would have taken him too.

So, Hoi would search for the Divine Harbour,
Who knew she had to let go of her vessel,
And cruise through The Ocean of Light to get there,
Her journey actually BEGAN the moment she let go,
Bon Voyage.


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My Thanx and Gratitude (Old Chat with Ash)

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My Thanx and Gratitude (Old Chat with Ash)
I did, everyone tried to help. I was already crazy but thanx to my unc he helped me out finally. Thanx to art of living my luck and thought changed. Thanx to the good friends I stayed afloat, thanx to weed I got away, thanx to music and dance I got it out.


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Next Time I Get The Hearing Question

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Next time I get an application where it asks ‘do you have problems hearing or use a hearing aid, etc’. I’m gonna answer it with a big ‘WHAT?’ with extra exclamations.


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Articles on Worldwide – A Right to Write

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First of all big up to the contributors for quotes, thoughts, knowledge, etc. With you I’d not have realized one of my objectives of being the one putting folks in the limelight. Ok this is how it is. I think folks that can put down their thoughts on paper are admirable, you don’t need to let anyone read it, as long as you write it. For the folks that mail me stuff to publish I salute you coz you share what interests you and it’s worth sharing… BUT… we need a format for things now. I’ve come across a lot of articles and there’s so many still on the waiting list. Thing is I sometimes don’t know what you want me to publish and what you don’t want me to publish so I’ve had a few unhappy people asking what happened to the article I sent. Answer – some are in the waiting list. Others I didn’t think were good enough. Which is where the problem is, I just get these mail, I’m not told to publish them so I end up deciding. If you want an article published please specify and it shall be done. Requirements: Best way to make sure your article is published chap chap is sending an attachment in Word coz I aint bothering to delete separators and make it continuous any more. (unless it’s that good an article). GIVE IT A TITLE TOO, I don’t wanna think of titles, I want it to be all you! Oh and please do get writing coz your mind got its own flavour of interesting tastes coz if you think the H2X article stimulated your thoughts on politics and Kumar’s knowledge on foods and mental/physical knowledge… imagine all these articles on interests like sport, science, fashion, FOOD, money, theories, conspiracies… even just random things that make your article, YOUR ARTICLE even if its something you read/fwd you got/thing that made you go hmm! It don’t have to be on a special mail. Could be a paragraph like in the thoughts section. Could be whatever literature you want it to be. Some already want to but need to get through the first steps. If you don’t wanna carry a note pad save the main points of your thoughts on your phone so you get a picture of how you’re gonna structure it. If you don’t wanna structure it, do like I do and just move your hands according to what your mind’s telling them and once you’re done or think you’ve done enough go through it and sift the repetitions/personal bits/whatever… mould it. I think I’ve done enough so… yeah… Word wise send your wise words to Worldwide to show the wide world.


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TWINXS TRIBUTE TO MATHE

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MOM # 2

It all began on the 20th of October 2005.

Called her up to wish her A Happy Birthday.

Happily she’d say- come home soon…

Never could get my name and when I’d call she’d say, Nadia?

Paras must have gotten her to call me Twinkle/Twinx.

Later on it became about Art of Living.

Nonstop calls for info on the next course,

Also perfect excuse to talk to her.

One time I asked to talk to Himanshu,

And she’d shout for Chikoo!

Started calling Himanshu his nick name,

And he’d be like,

Don’t call me that!!! Lol…

Freaking out on my first day before the course,

I’d call her and tell her.

She’d say… it helped Paras,

I know it will help you.

Just do the course and you’ll see.

Went for the course, did the course, saw and still seeing.

Hadn’t spoken to her in such a long time.

Called her to ask her how she is…

We’d piga stories until credit on the land line would end.

Then she’d say if it’s your parents’ money it’s ok… Lol…

You save yours…

When things are looking bad,

I knew whom to call…

She’d always pray/hope/wish for me to get a great job and someone special…

Then she’d say how will you find one if you don’t get out?

-Tell your mom to open her eyes!!!

And I’d just laugh…

Later it became “I have to meet her”

And Paras helped by making me do so…

Thanks to AOL, already knew Mukund Uncle, Himanshu and Bansi…

Coz I don’t have a car,

Got Mukund uncle to be picking me from college to go see her that it’ll be part of your Seva…

Paras all excited in UK texting me…

Now I’m all excited coz I’

m outside the gate!

Hadn’t been there before, so was directed to her room…

And there she was……

Sitting on her bed, waiting for me…

Her stunning eyes and her charming smile…

She looked like the cutest baby ever…

She’d analyze me from head to toe then say;

You look like a singh!

Couldn’t hold it and burst out laughing…

Made me go to her special green drawer where she had a white envelope with pictures in it…

While going through them,

Food starts coming in!

Pao-bhaji!

She knew it’s my favorite!

She’d make me eat so much, and I’d never complain about my stomach… only coz it’s her…

Then she’d always say listen to Guruji…

Then Mukund Uncle would come in… We go?

At the back of my head I’m thinking; No…

Look at the time and I’m thinking; Class…

Then we’d end up talking so much about AOL…

Give her a big Jadu-Ki-Japi and say see you next week.

Would still call her in between,

But it just aint the same face to face.

We’d talk about her past, present and future…

Talk bout all her wishes;

What bothers her;

Family;

Friends;

And of course, her best friend, Jesus…

She’d say just take Jesus’s name and he’

ll always help you.

Got so used to chilling in her room…

Going towards there and she’s like Twinkle!

I’m thinking, ok, where’d that come from??? Lol…

Turn around, and she’s in the kitchen!

I’m like this’

s just too awesome!

She was feeling great!

She’d never seen me with open hair,

She’s like wow you’ve got long hair…

Good… let it grow… Lol…

Now I don’t know what to do with it…

We all sat at the table for lunch,

Mukund Uncle’s like good you come to see her,

She’s only out of bed coz she knew you’

re coming today!

I’d fill her plate and glass…

Always loved the way she’

d hold her glass and drink out of it…

They’d all be talking away in Guju,

And I’m half way floating…

But I’d always smile,

Coz I loved the way she’d say “Che”

Over the phone she’d tell me I want to learn how to text…

I’d say don’t worry I’ll teach you…

I’m at home watching tele,

And suddenly I get a blank text…

I was just so jazzed!

A minute later she’d call me;

I had to learn your mobile and land line number off head… and why haven’t you been calling me? Lol…

Would call her Mom # 2!

Himanshu and Bansi left for Perth,

I called her that night…

She wasn’t showing how sad she was but I could tell by the way she was talking…

“I’m fine, I have so many friends, and I have my brothers, sisters, their kids…”

And I’d interrupt and say you’ve also got me as one of your friends…

She’d say NO!!!

I’m like haiya and confused!!!

Then she’d say;

You’re more of a daughter…

…Mom # 2…

Mukund Uncle received an offer for a movie, shooting in Rwanda…

So I’m like you can’t stay alone?

She’d say;

It’s ok, I’ll talk to your mom to come stay with me…

Even she can come stay with us… Lol…

…Mom # 2…

Called her on the 1st of June,

She was so upset…

People here and there doing and saying things she wasn’t liking…

Told her if she ever needed anything,

I’m just a call way…

Then she’d start talking about dying and what will happen there after…

And I’d be half way in tears saying don’t talk like that…

She didn’t wanna say anything then, just hung up…

Didn’t’ even see her that week…

…Mom # 2…

Monday 5th, Paras text me saying mom sounds really bad.

I called her up in the morning, she did sound really bad…

Couldn’t even say a word…

Told her I’m coming over to see you tomorrow…

And she made an effort to say “ANYTIME”

That was the last time I ever spoke to her…

That was the last thing she ever told me…

…Mom # 2…

Cried for so long, coz I couldn’t handle how she sounded…

Called Mukund Uncle and told him Please pick me tomorrow…

Later during the day Paras text saying mom’s in hospital… then called me later saying he’s flying down the next evening…

Mukund Uncle kept me posted all day and night on what’s happening and what’s not…

…Mom # 2…

Was meant to see her during the day,

But got caught up…

Didn’t even attend class…

Thought I’d go see her in the evening,

But mom guys had the car and were at my uncles.

Still no ride…

…Mom # 2…

Chilling with Vy in my room,

Just talking about stuff…

19:15,

Get a call from Mukund Uncle,

I thought he’s calling to tell me that Paras has landed,

Instead he says…

“Twinx, she’s gone…”

Started crying and he’s telling me to be strong…

…Mom # 2…

Was lucky I had Vy by my side,

Or I’d have started breaking things and only questioned “Why?”

Mom came in looking all confused…

Told her and she held me for a while…

I had to let it out,

Locked myself in the bathroom,

Watched my eyes and face turn red…

…Mom # 2…

Had to get out for some fresh air,

Then chilled at Vy’s.

All I could think of was the times I spent with her and all the things she’s told me…

And mostly, what Paras must be going through…

Didn’t sleep that night…

Don’t even know how I went to college the next day…

Couldn’t even think straight…

…Mom # 2…

No one calls me Twinkle…

Who will now?

Paras did, by mistake, the other day and it sounded SO BAD! Lol…

Don’t even feel like eating at lunch,

Use my tummy as an excuse, coz you’re not there…

They’ll say if Aruna was here,

She wouldn’t let you leave without having something…

I’d think hurtfully… she’s not here is she?

Would only have some so I don’t offend them…

…Mom # 2…

Talking about the Priest that came to see you at home on Thursday,

You told him that you know it’s your time…

The chills I got all over when I was told…

That’s the same Thursday you talked to me about dying…

You mean you were indirectly telling me that you’

re leaving?

…Mom # 2…

You’re in a better place now…

Lucky you…

Walking with Jesus…

So I guess when Jesus walks on Earth again,

We’

ll be seeing you?

…Mom # 2…

So much I had to tell you…

So much left unsaid…

But now you know everything, isn’t it?

No need to tell you now coz all veils are lifted…

You know how I feel,

You know what I’m thinking,

You know what I’m going through,

You know everything…

Don’

t you?

…Mom # 2…

Didn’t even get to see you before you left…

Never even got to tell you:

I love you so much…

Now I miss you so much…

I wanted to do anything and everything for you…

I was meant to make your dreams come true…

I was meant to fulfill your wishes…

I was meant to make sure you’re always alright, smiling and happy…

…Mom # 2…

No one can replace you,

No one can be an ounce of who you are,

No one will say “Che” the way you do,

No one will send me blank texts,

No one will complain about me not calling them,

No one will tell me to text Paras for them,

No one will ask me my favorite foods,

No one can tell me what to do with my hair,

No one will tell me to come stay with them,

No one will tell me to come home “anytime…”

…Mom # 2…

Now I wonder if I did enough.

I wonder if there was more you expected from me.

…Mom # 2…

Now I’ll never get to know…

What you really thought of me…

What I really meant to you…

…Mom…


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