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Conversations With God – Book 3 by Neale Donald Walsch

Conversations With God – Book 3 by Neale Donald Walsch
Notes:
– This book will have Concepts dealing with other realms, other dimensions, and how the whole intricate weave fits together.
Act as if you are, and you will draw it to you. What you act as if you are, you become. In other words, “Fake it until you make it.” Therefore, whatever you choose for yourself, give to another.

Click to get the book or audiobook

– No one is more ill-equipped to raise children than young parents. And no one knows this better than young parents. 
Most parents come to the job of parenting with very little life experience. They’re hardly finished being parented themselves. They’re still looking for answers, still searching for clues. They haven’t even discovered themselves yet, and they’re trying to guide and nurture discovery in others even more vulnerable than they. They haven’t even defined themselves, and they’re thrust into the act of defining others. They are still trying to get over how badly they have been misdefined by their parents. In most advanced races and societies, elders raise the offspring, nurture the offspring, train the offspring, and pass on to the offspring the wisdom, teachings, and traditions of their kind.

– How men created a male God and Satan because women had power back in the day.

– Death, souls, afterlife, microcosm and macro intertwined.

– 3 choices you have:
1. You may allow your uncontrolled thoughts to create The Moment.
2. You may allow your creative consciousness to create The Moment.
3. You may allow the collective consciousness to create The Moment.

– Think of the Cosmic Wheel as that CD-ROM. All the endings already exist. The universe is just waiting to see which one you choose this time. And when the game is over, whether you win, lose, or draw, the universe will say, “Want to play again?” So if you think it would be interesting for the doomsday predictions of the psychics to come true, focus all your attention on that, and you can draw that to yourself. And if you think you would like to experience a different reality, focus on that, and that is the outcome you can draw to you.

– Who You Are is love.
 What love is, is unlimited, eternal, and free.
 Therefore, that is what you are. That is the nature of Who You Are. You are unlimited, eternal, and free, by nature.
Now, any artificial social, moral, religious, philosophical, economic, or political construction which violates or subordinates your nature is an impingement upon your very Self—and you will rail against it. 
What do you suppose gave birth to your own country? Was it not “Give me liberty, or give me death”?
 Well, you’ve given up that liberty in your country, and you’ve given it up in your Jives. And all for the same thing. Security.
 You are so afraid to live—so afraid of life itself—that you’ve given up the very nature of your being in trade for security.

– The institution you call marriage is your attempt to create security, as is the institution called government. Actually, they are both forms of the same thing—artificial social constructions designed to govern each other’s behaviour. It is the ultimate announcement of fear.
 If marriage allowed you to be unlimited, eternal, and free in your love, then it would be the ultimate announcement of love. As things are now, you become married in an effort to lower your love to the level of a promise or a guarantee.
 Marriage is an effort to guarantee that “what is so” now will always be so. If you didn’t need this guarantee, you would not need marriage.

And how do you use this guarantee? First, as a means of creating security (instead of creating security from that which is inside of you), and second, if that security is not forever forthcoming, as a means of punishing each other, for the marriage promise which has been broken can now form the basis of the lawsuit which has been opened. You have thus found marriage very useful—even if it is for all the wrong reasons.
 Marriage is also your attempt to guarantee that the feelings you have for each other, you will never have for another. Or, at least, that you will never express them with another in the same way. 
Finally, marriage as you have constructed it is a way of saying: “This relationship is special. I hold this relationship above all others.” If Who You Really Are is a being who says, “This one relationship—this single one, right over here-is more special than any other,” then your construction of marriage allows you to do that perfectly.

Yet you might find it interesting to notice that almost no one who is, or has been, recognised as a spiritual master is married. It’s because masters cannot truthfully make the statement that your present construction of marriage seeks to make: that one person is more special to them than another.
 This is not a statement that a master makes, and it is not a statement that God makes.
 The fact is that your marriage vows, as you presently construct them, have you making a very un-Godly statement. It is the height of irony that you feel this is the holiest of holy promises, for it is a promise that God would never make. Yet, in order to justify your human fears, you have imagined a God who acts just like you.

Therefore, you speak of God’s “promise” to his “Chosen People,” and of covenants between God and those God loves, in a special way. 
You cannot stand the thought of a God who loves no one in a way which is more special than any other, and so you create fictions about a God who only loves certain people for certain reasons. And you call these fictions Religions. I call them blasphemies. For any thought that God loves one more than another is false-and any ritual which asks you to make the same statement is not a sacrament, but a sacrilege. Religion and marriage the way you have constructed them is what we are talking about here.

Love has no requirements. That’s what makes it love.
 If your love for another carries requirements, then it is not love at all, but some counterfeit version. 
That is what I have been trying to tell you here, It is what I have been saying, in a dozen different ways, with every question you’ve asked here.
 Within the context of marriage, for example, there is an exchange of vows that love does not require. Yet you require them, because you do not know what love is. And so you make each other promise what love would never ask. (Neale and Nancy’s declaratio to each other – http://everything2.com/title/Uncommon+wedding+vows)

– You have bastardised the Word of God in order to justify your fears and rationalise your insane treatment of each other.
 You will make God say whatever you need God to say in order to continue limiting each other, hurting each other, and killing each other in My name. You have invoked My name, and waved My flag, and carried crosses on your battlefields for centuries, all as proof that I love one people more than another, and would ask you to kill to prove it.
 Yet I tell you this: My love is unlimited and unconditional. That is the one thing you cannot hear, the one truth you cannot abide, the one statement you cannot accept, for its all-inclusiveness destroys not only the institution of marriage (as you have constructed it), but every one of your religions and governmental institutions as well. For you have created a culture based on exclusion, and supported it with a cultural myth of a God who excludes. Yet the culture of God is based on inclusion. In God’s love, everyone is included. Into God’s Kingdom everyone is invited.

– If you terminate a pregnancy, We terminate a pregnancy. Your will is My will.

– You’re approaching the same point in human history again. It’s vitally important that you understand this.
Your present technology is threatening to outstrip your ability to use it wisely. Your society is on the verge of becoming a product of your technology, rather than your technology being a product of your society.
When a society becomes a product of its own technology, it destroys itself.

– Because guilt and shame is something which is imposed on a being from outside of itself. It can then be internalized, no question about that, but it is initially imposed from the outside. Always. No divine being (and all beings are divine) ever knows itself or anything it is doing to be “shameful” or “guilty” until someone outside of itself labels it that way. In your culture, is a baby ashamed of its “bathroom habits”? Of course not. Not until you tell it to be. Does a child feel “guilty” for pleasuring itself with its genitals? Of course not. Not until you tell it to feel guilty.
The degree to which a culture is evolved is demonstrated by the degree to which it labels a being or an action “shameful” or “guilty.”

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The myth of self-control & Here’s what actually works … thanks Poppy

“THERE’S A STRONG ASSUMPTION STILL THAT EXERTING SELF-CONTROL IS BENEFICIAL … AND WE’RE SHOWING IN THE LONG TERM, IT’S NOT”

Studies have found that trying to teach people to resist temptation either only has short-term gains or can be an outright failure. “We don’t seem to be all that good at [self-control],” Brian Galla, a psychologist at the University of Pittsburgh, says.

If we accept that brute willpower doesn’t work, we can feel less bad about ourselves when we succumb to temptation. And we might also be able refocus our efforts on solving problems like obesity. A recent national survey from the University of Chicago finds that 75 percent of Americans say a lack of willpower is a barrier to weight loss. And yet the emerging scientific consensus is that the obesity crisis is the result of a number of factors, including genes and the food environment — and, crucially, not a lack of willpower. 

If we could stop worshiping self-control, maybe we could start thinking about diluting the power of temptation — and helping people meet their goals in new ways with less effort. 

The case against willpower

 Photo by Rochelle Brodin/Getty Images for De Re Gallery

Many of us assume that if we want to make big changes in our lives, we have to sweat for it. But if, for example, the change is to eat fewer sweets, and then you find yourself in front of a pile of cookies, researchers say the pile of cookies has already won. 

“Our prototypical model of self-control is angel on one side and devil on the other, and they battle it out,” Fujita says. “We tend to think of people with strong willpower as people who are able to fight this battle effectively. Actually, the people who are really good at self-control never have these battles in the first place.” 

This idea was crystallized in the results of a 2011 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The study tracked 205 people for one week in Germany. The study participants were given BlackBerrys that would go off at random, asking them questions about what desires, temptations, and self-control they were experiencing in the moment. 

The paper stumbled on a paradox: The people who were the best at self-control — the ones who most readily agreed to survey questions like “I am good at resisting temptations” — reported fewer temptations throughout the study period. 

To put it more simply: The people who said they excel at self-control were hardly using it at all. Psychologists Marina Milyavskaya and Michael Inzlicht recently confirmed and expanded on this idea. In their study, they monitored 159 students at McGill University in Canada in a similar manner for a week.

If resisting temptation is a virtue, then more resistance should lead to greater achievement, right? That’s not what the results, pending publication in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Sciencefound. 

The students who exerted more self-control were not more successful in accomplishing their goals. It was the students who experienced fewer temptations overall who were more successful when the researchers checked back in at the end of the semester. What’s more, the people who exercised more effortful self-control also reported feeling more depleted. So not only were they not meeting their goals, they were also exhausted from trying. 

“There’s a strong assumption still that exerting self-control is beneficial,” Milyavskaya, a professor at Carleton University, tells me. “And we’re showing in the long term, it’s not.” 

What we can learn from people who are good at self-control

 Max Griboedov / Shutterstock

So who are these people who are rarely tested by temptations? And what can we learn from them? There are a few overlapping lessons from this new science:

1) People who are better at self-control actually enjoy the activities some of us resist— like eating healthy, studying, or exercising.

So engaging in these activities isn’t a chore for them. It’s fun. “‘Want-to’ goals are more likely to be obtained than ‘have-to’ goals,” Milyavskaya says. “Want-to goals lead to experiences of fewer temptations. It’s easier to pursue those goals. It feels more effortless.”

If you’re running because you “have to” get in shape, but find running to be a miserable activity, you’re probably not going to keep it up. That means than an activity you like is more likely to be repeated than an activity you hate. 

2) People who are good at self-control have learned better habits 

In 2015, psychologists Brian Galla and Angela Duckworth published a paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, finding across six studies and more than 2,000 participants that people who are good at self-control also tend to have good habits — like exercising regularly, eating healthy, sleeping well, and studying.

“People who are good at self-control … seem to be structuring their lives in a way to avoid having to make a self-control decision in the first place,” Galla tells me. And structuring your life is a skill. People who do the same activity — like running or meditating — at the same time each day have an easier time accomplishing their goals, he says. Not because of their willpower, but because the routine makes it easier. 

A trick to wake up more quickly in the morning is to set the alarm on the other side of the room. That’s not in-the-moment willpower at play. It’s planning.

This theory harks back to one of the classic studies on self-control: Walter Mischel’s “marshmallow test,” conducted in the 1960s and ’70s. In these tests, kids were told they could either eat one marshmallow sitting in front of them immediately or eat two later. The ability to resist was found to correlate with all sorts of positive life outcomes, like SAT scores and BMIs. But the kids who were best at the test weren’t necessarily intrinsically better at resisting temptation. They might have been employing a critical strategy. 

“Mischel has consistently found that the crucial factor in delaying gratification is the ability to change your perception of the object or action you want to resist,” the New Yorker reportedin 2014. That means kids who avoided eating the first marshmallow would find ways not to look at the candy, or imagine it as something else. 

“The really good dieter wouldn’t buy a cupcake,” Fujita explains. “They wouldn’t have passed in front of a bakery; when they saw the cupcake, they would have figured out a way to say yuck instead of yum; they might have an automatic reaction of moving away instead of moving close.” 

3) Some people just experience fewer temptations 

Our dispositions are determined in part by our genetics. Some people are hungrier than others. Some people love gambling and shopping. People high in conscientiousness — a personality trait largely set by genetics — tend to be more vigilant students and tend to be healthier. When it comes to self-control, they won the genetic lottery. 

4) It’s easier to have self-control when you’re wealthy 

When Mischel’s marshmallow test is repeated on poorer kids, there’s a clear trend: They perform worse, and appear less able to resist the treat in front of them. 

But there’s a good reason for this. As University of Oregon neuroscientist Elliot Berkman argues, people who grow up in poverty are more likely to focus on immediate rewards than long-term rewards. Because when you’re poor, the future is less certain. 

Researchers want to figure out if self-control could feel effortless

 Tetiana Yurchenko / Shutterstock

The new research on self-control demonstrates that eating an extra slice of cake isn’t a moral failing. It’s what we ought to expect when a hungry person is in front of a slice of cake. “Self-control isn’t a special moral muscle,” Galla says. It’s like any decision. And to improve the decision, we need to improve the environment, and give people the skills needed to avoid cake in the first place. 

“There are many ways of achieving successful self-control, and we’ve really only been looking at one of them,” which is effortful restraint, Berkman tells me. The previous leading theory on willpower, called ego depletion, has recently come under intense scrutiny for not replicating.

(Berkman argues that the term “self-control” ought to be abolished altogether. “It’s no different than any other decision making,” he says.)

The new research isn’t yet conclusive on whether it’s really possible to teach people the skills needed to make self-control feel effortless. More work needs to be done — designing interventions and evaluating their outcomes over time. But it at least gives researchers a fresh perspective to test out new solutions. 

In Berkman’s lab, he’s testing out an idea called “motivational boost.” Participants write essays explaining how their goals (like losing weight) fit into their core values. Berkman will periodically text study participants to remind them why their goals matter, which may increase motivation. “We are still gathering data, but I cannot say yet whether it works or not,” he says. 

Another intriguing idea is called “temptation bundling,” in which people make activities more enjoyable by adding a fun component to them. One paper showed that participants were more likely to work out when they could listen to an audio copy of The Hunger Games while at the gym. 

Researchers are excited about their new perspective on self-control. “It’s exciting because we’re maybe [about to] break through on a whole variety of new strategies and interventions that we would have never thought about,” Galla says. He and others are looking beyond the “just say no” approach of the past to boost motivation with the help of smartphone apps and other technology.

This is not to say all effortful restraint is useless, but rather that it should be seen as a last-ditch effort to save ourselves from bad behavior. 

“Because even if the angel loses most of the time, there’s a chance every now and again the angel will win,” Fujita says. “It’s a defense of last resort.”

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The Circle of Courage – Native American Model of Education

“Anthropologists have long known that Native Americans reared courageous, respectful children without using harsh coercive controls. Nevertheless, Europeans colonizing North America tried to “civilize” indigenous children in punitive boarding schools, unaware that Natives possessed a sophisticated philosophy that treated children with deep respect.”The Circle of CourageCircle Courage Long

“The Circle of Courage is a model of positive youth development first described in the book Reclaiming Youth at Risk, co-authored by Larry Brendtro, Martin Brokenleg, and Steve Van Bockern. The model integrates Native American philosophies of child-rearing, the heritage of early pioneers in education and youth work, and contemporary resilience research. The Circle of Courage is based in four universal growth needs of all children: belonging, mastery, independence, and generosity.

These traditional values are validated by contemporary child research and are consistent with the findings of Stanley Coopersmith who identified four foundations for self-worth: significance, competence, power, and virtue. These are summarized below:

Belonging
In Native American and First Nations cultures, significance was nurtured in communities of belonging. Lakota anthropologist Ella Deloria described the core value of belonging in these simple words: “Be related, somehow, to everyone you know.” Treating others as kin forges powerful social bonds that draw all into relationships of respect. Theologian Marty observed that throughout history the tribe, not the nuclear family, always ensured the
survival of the culture. Even if parents died or were not responsible, the tribe was always there to nourish the next generation.

Mastery
Competence in traditional cultures is ensured by guaranteed opportunity for mastery. Children were taught to carefully observe and listen to those with more experience. A person with greater ability was seen as a model for learning, not as a rival. Each person strives for mastery for personal growth, but not to be superior to someone else. Humans have an innate drive to become competent and solve problems. With success in surmounting challenges, the desire to achieve is strengthened.

Independence
Power in Western culture was based on dominance, but in tribal traditions it meant respecting the right for independence. In contrast to obedience models of discipline, Native teaching was designed to build respect and teach inner discipline. From earliest childhood, children were encouraged to make decisions, solve problems, and show personal responsibility. Adults modeled, nurtured, taught values, and gave feedback, but children were given abundant opportunities to make choices without coercion.

Generosity
Finally, virtue was reflected in the pre-eminent value of generosity. The central goal in Native American child-rearing is to teach the importance of being generous and unselfish. In the words of a Lakota Elder, “You should be able to give away your most cherished possession without your heart beating faster.” In helping others, youth create their own proof of worthiness: they make a positive contribution to another human life.”

All text sources: Reclaiming Youth International & Circle of Courage

Related video: Solution Tree: Reclaiming Youth at Risk

 
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Negotiation and Conflict Resolution by Open2Study

The course can be found at https://www.open2study.com/ Each module had 10 videos, 9 quizzes and 1 assessment to be completed in the week of the module.
Thanks Bindi for the link.

Module 1: Thinking Like a Negotiator
1: When Should We Negotiate?
– Negotiation is problem solving between people who are in an interdependent relationship. They depend on each other.
– It involves concessions. Giving something up to the other side. Can be material, financial, effort, etc.
– Negotiation is a learned skill.
– There is negotiation of Opportunity and of Necessity. Opportunity is not compulsory but there is a chance. Necessity is the one you HAVE TO undertake.

2: Exploring Different Negotiation Styles
– Distributive negotiations are finite amount of resources. Only focus on certain things or a single thing and not interested in what else can be brought to the table. Like 60-40, win-lose. Integrative negotiation also known as win-win negotiation is getting common ground and see what else there is to bring to the table. So 50-50 wont work as someone may need more time or more resources and justifies that.
– Zero sum game means there is only so much.

3: The Language of Negotiation
– Positions are usually a starting point. We need so and so by Monday or 5,000 bob final offer.
– Interests sit behind the positions. Things that drive you like why you want something.
– In general terms, a position is what you want and an interest is why you want it.
– It’s better to focus on interests as they are malleable.
– Example is saying ‘The only SOLUTION is’ vs. ‘I think an OPTION is’.
– If the other side gives you a position you could ignore it or look at the interest behind the position to see how you can work on that. Ask why they are taking the position.

4: Thinking Strategically
– Strategy is a predetermined approach with contingencies. If this then that.
– Use the Conflict Styles Matrix/Framework. The image will explain better. Note: Accommodation in the video is called Yielding.  (Image – http://righttojoy.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Assertive-vs-Cooperative-Graph-e1292028964610.jpg)
– Remember to use the right strategy for the right situation. E.g. Over using Competing strategy will look like there is a conflict everywhere and the need to win all the time. While Avoiding strategy will feel they can’t achieve things.

5: Shifting Your Perspective
– Myopia is tunnel vision. A stronger sense of Empathy for the other side is needed. And not seeing it as a sign of weakness. Exercise: Write down a conflict you are in but from the other side and how you’re contributing to the conflict.

6: Thinking Errors in Negotiation #1
– Cognitive heuristic is the brain taking shortcuts e.g. always trust people in uniforms/well dressed. And you need to find ways to not do it.
-3 ways to reframe as below.
a) Interests based approach. E.g. can we see the best way to use our resources to benefit both of us.
b) Rights based approach. E.g. I have a right to a share of resources too.
c) Power based approach. E.g. My work is more important than yours.
– There are also win and lose frame. Better to avoid loss framing.

7: Thinking Errors in Negotiation #2
– Availability bias: mental shortcut that relies on immediate examples that come to a given person’s mind when evaluating a specific topic, concept, method or decision. If information is presented in an easily digestible way, it is likely to be more appealing and convincing than information that is more complex.
– If information is readily accessible, it may not necessarily be reliable.

8: Thinking Errors in Negotiation #3
– Anchoring bias: Making sense of what you’re getting it by comparing it with what you know. Using a good anchor like when buying a house you can see what the surrounding houses cost.
– Someone offers 20k for you wanting to sell for 35k when the fair price is 25. They come up to 25 so you go down to 30 to match their offer and then you say lets meet halfway and both agree to 27.5k where you win 2.5k.

9: Thinking Errors in Negotiation #4
– The Irrational Escalation of Commitment: Avoiding losing face, talk badly about others and more than whats on the table, losing sense of perspective and not thinking rationally about what is at hand. Getting stuck in a cycle of commitment to recoup sunk costs. Let it go!

10: Getting Your Thinking Right Before You Negotiate
– Humans like to get into groups and box things.
– Attribution error: Blaming someone on the behaviour because they’re part of a group or associate with certain people. Stereotyping.
– In multiparty negotiations groups form according to interest. Or it becomes us and them, for or against which is not good.

Module 2: The Five Phases of a Negotiation (6 Jun – 12 Jun)
1: Preparing to Negotiate
– 5 Phases of negotiation:
a) Preparation and planning,
b) agenda setting,
c) making proposals,
d) bargaining and
e) finalising agreements.
– 3 things before negotiation begins:
a) Research on the house, location etc.
b) Planning would be inclusions, repairs and settlement apart from just price.
c) Emotional preparation like dealing with the move, change of situation, other strong emotions and why you’re feeling like that.

2: Planning a Negotiation – The Bargaining Zone
– Have a checklist of all things included in the bargaining mix.
– Look for a ‘zone of agreement’ where you meet to get the agreement. They start high, you start low but at some point you will need to get to the zone after the sham bargaining.
– In the book Getting To YES they talk about BATNA: Best ALTERNATIVE TO a negotiated agreement. Before you negotiate, what is the best alternative just in case the negotiation doesn’t work. You can call out the other side if they don’t have this.

3: Agreeing on the Agenda
a) Set the context, why are you meeting?
b) What will be covered and get an agreement on that.
c) Manage the objections.
d) How will the meeting be run so the process is not being challenged.

4: Probing for Interests
– Better to focus on interests instead of positions as positions is either/or while interest is both/and.
– Talks about positions and interest and finding the mutual interests. Graphic here – http://www.fao.org/docrep/008/a0032e/a0032e0w.jpg

5: Making Proposals and Counter Proposals
– One side starts a proposal and when the other side counters the bargaining begins.
– Probe on interests.
– Suggest alternatives.

6: Finding Common Ground
– Move the conversation to a higher or more general level to search for common ground.
– Manage words and get creative.
– Thinks like Time, Mutual respect, Fairness could be worked on.

7: Bargaining
– Bargaining is driver by things like price, terms, conditions. Trading concessions basically.
– Have good knowledge of the situation.
– Don’t make unilateral concessions i.e. giving something away for free. There should reciprocity.
– Concession should be of equal value.
– Use phrases like ‘If you can then I will’.

8: Trading Concessions
– Be conscious of the tactic to know how to respond.
– 3 Typical Tactics
a) Good cop/Bad cop.
b) Bogey – say you can never agree, it’s forbidden. And then later maybe you could agree if the other side makes a large concession.
c) The Nibble – Like when you buy something and when paying for it the person says would you like or you need this little more thing with that. It’s called a nibble. You need this tie with that suit.
– These work because of the contrast principle, scarcity idea.
– 3 Strategies to counter the tactics.
a) Name it. Call a tactic what it is. E.g. You’re brining the issue right at the end of the negotiation that we haven’t talked about.
b) Ignore it. Don’t react just treat it like the little thing it is and say something like lets not talk about this as it was not on the agenda.
c) Respond in kind. E.g. if they ask to throw in delivery at the end you can say yes but only if you pay a little bit more.
– Just make sure to keep the negotiation moving forward.

9: Coming to Agreement
– Summarise the agreement. Could just be verbal.
– What gets formalised is what gets agreed to.
– Go through the contract in detail especially pro forma contracts.
– Think about the words you use. Guarantee, Warranty, Assure, Ensure, Perfect. These could imply taking 100% liability.
– Make sure you don’t look too happy because the other side will feel like they got the wrong end of the stick.

10: Implementing Your Plan
– With a contract it’s already in play of who does what by when etc. What is called a service level agreement. You don’t want to drag out the service level agreement/contract every time you have a meeting.
– Manage ongoing relationship.

Module 3: Conflict Resolution – Theory and Practice (13 Jun – 19 Jun)
1: What is Conflict? Are Conflicts Different from Disputes?
– Difference between negotiation and conflict and conflict and disputes. Conflicts engages the person that it takes over the lives.
– Difference between conflicts and disputes are – Conflicts are more prolonged and strongly felt than disputes. Conflicts require more analysis before taking any action than disputes. A dispute is contained to a single issue, whereas in conflicts the issues often multiply.
– You can take a bargaining approach (better for disputes) to compensate or analytical approach (better for conflicts) to think things through.

2: Theories: Biological Explanations for Conflict
Biological approach / inherency school / in our nature. Talks about different peoples theories. Animal aggression has 3 main purposes – To balance out the population, survival of the strongest, protection of the young. Aggression and group identity are connected.

3: Theories: Learning Theories of Conflict
– Learning approach / contingency school / learned. Talks about different peoples theories.
– Frustration- Aggression hypothesis. Where aggression is the result of blocking, or frustrating, a person’s efforts to attain a goal.
– Familial context, sub-cultural context, symbolic messages are other theories of learned conflicts.

4: Conflict Resolution – Human Needs Theory
– You all know Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs. You can’t move higher up on the needs until the lower needs are actualised.
– Human conflict is caused by the frustration and suppression of basic human needs.
– Paul Sites articulated 9 universal human needs:
a) Consistency in response.
b) Stimulation.
c) Security.
d) Recognition.
e) Distributive justice.
f) Appearance of rationality.
g) Meaning
h) Control
i) Burton added a 9th need called Role defence. Said it was the most dominant of needs.
– Burton states that conflict needs to be first be analysed before it can be resolved. He also said that at the bottom of the hierarchy we have NEEDS which will never change for anyone around the world. Next is VALUES, they are pretty fixed but may change over time. Finally is INTERESTS which can be negotiated.

5: Constructive and Destructive Conflict
– Constructive conflict is resolved using collaborative measures, people learn from them, it’s contained to the major issues and not let them grow.
– Destructive conflict is damaging, carries on even after issues are resolved, parties use power.

6: Coping with Strong Emotions and Stereotypes
– When you’re faced with danger the amygdala sends a signal to the central nervous system to get into flight or fight response.
– People like to simplify because of lots of information. Malcolm Gladwell talked about thin slicing in one of his books.
– Propaganda is used for this.
– Strategies to cope with the emotions:
a) Be specific (on the behaviours and cause).
b) Us-us orientation (both sides in the problem).
c) Negotiate constructively.
d) Educate yourself.
e) Putting things into perspective.

7: Third Party Interventions to Conflict
– Levels are Negotiation > Mediation > Conciliation > Arbitration > Tribunal > Court. (See below)
– Mediation there is low level input from a third party intervention and supporting the parties communication, structuring it more.
– Conciliation has more power from the third party, problem solving.
– Arbitration is where third party receives information and delivering their findings.
– Tribunal which is a quazi-judicial process.
– Court where the judge … judges!
– Good practice is to set ground rules and structure communication.

8: Conflict Analysis
– Table on how to breakdown conflicts. Row headers are Parties, Pressures, Projections (Fears), Past, Problems. And gives a good example of how to use it.

9: Generating and Costing Options
– Brainstorming to find solutions. Then move to costing to see which one has the most pros and least cons or what reflects the best values for all concerned.

10: Resolution a Lasting Solution
– Don’t mix the 3 with their solutions.
a) Conflicts need resolution. A final and lasting resolution.
b) Disputes need settlements.
c) Problems need management.

Module 4: Communication Skills (20 Jun – 26 Jun)
1: Communication Skills for Effective Conflict Resolution and Negotiation
– Listen effectively. What do they want to achieve.
– Ask good questions. Match the question with the type of response you’re looking for. Do you want further answers or do you want to close the topic.
– Assert yourself. Be clear but don’t get into a screaming match. Even tone.
– Reframing. Change the way people view an issue.
– Cross cultural communication skills.
– Non-verbal communication.
– Build common ground.
(See below topics for further info)

2: Bridging the Gap Between Knowing and Doing in Communication
– We have predetermined scripts and conditioning to handle conflicts so be aware of them.
– Role play is good.
– Debrief after a negotiation to see what can be improved.

3: Active Listening
– Focus on what the other side is saying.
– Turn your own head volume down.
– 3 skills for active listening.
a) Following – Ensuring that you’re following what they are saying. It’s not about being agreeable. It’s about being strong on your point but being respectful on the other side too. Minimal encourages are things that encourage the other side to speak more like ‘uh-huh’, ‘hmmm’, ‘yep’, ‘I understand’.
b) Reflecting – Reflecting to them what you’ve understood from what you’ve heard. So what you’re saying is…. say what you feel you heard. Empathise the emotion you’re feeling that they’re feeling.
c) Summarising – Wrap what has been said. I’ve understood what you’ve said, is there anything else?

4: Effective Questioning
– Know types of questions. Rise or lowering inflection in the question.
– 2 types of questions.
a) Open ended questions. Which, where, when, who, why, how. Also stuff like ‘can you elaborate on.
b) Close ended questions. These have only yes or no or direct answers.
– Use a combination of both.
– How to ask a ‘why question’. Don’t sound like a police. Soften it with curiosity.
– 3 types of questions.
a) Hypothetical.
b) Double barrel question. 2 questions in one. Avoid these!!! People who talk a lot or too fast do this and I don’t know what to answer by the end of their rant!
c) Leading questions. Don’t you think that? Wouldn’t it be…?

5: Non-Verbal Communication
– Facial expressions, eye contact, gestures, touch, proximity, position.
– Remember cultural differences in each case.
– Breaking eye contact is pretty universal.

6: Reframing
– Take their aggressive lines and reframe it and feed with back in a softer version in an alternative way of looking at it.
– Toxic words strain the atmosphere. Angry (can be replaced with upset). So don’t tone it down too far but reduce the toxicity of it.

7: Pathways to Common Ground
– Areas both parties agree on.
– They both need to see the problem as the enemy and not one another.
– From I and You to We and Us.
– Emphasise what you agree on especially when summarising.

8: Word Choice – Assertiveness
– Asserting your side of thing in the face of resistance.
– Emphasise what your interests are.
– Say things with ‘I’ (called an I message). I need this, I’m feeling this. Paras note: Something I think couples should use when having an issue. I feel this when so and so happens.
– Passive approaches don’t get you anywhere. Be active. Sit down.

9: Communicating More Effectively Across Cultures
– High context cultures. The context contains additional meaning. E.g. Asian’s are high context. Feels coded or lot of fluff. Not seeing the clear answer from their answer.
– Low context cultures. The context is minimal. What is said is more important then the context it’s said in. Short and sweet and can look rude.
– Learn about the culture you’re dealing with.

10: Developing Your Communication Skills
– Identify the skill gap. Where are you now, your pluses and minuses. Give yourself a goal.

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MINDARIE REGIONAL COUNCIL EARTH CARERS TRAINING PROGRAM MARCH 2016

Graduation Day

Special thanks to Charles of Terra Perma Design for sharing this. Since I prefer summaries I’ll highlight the important bits in green and underline them. I’m going to do my best to include as many resources and other good stuff. All in all I’ve had a lot of hope restored as I thought nobody else cared to make that extra effort but there are good people out there and lots of good things happening.

Keep an eye out on their site for future programs – http://www.mrc.wa.gov.au/Community-2/Earth-Carers-programs/Training-Programs.aspx

Tuesday 1 March 5.30-8.00pm – City of Wanneroo Depot, 1204 Wanneroo Road, Ashby, 6065

• Tour of Depot with information regarding waste/recycling collection, problems and issues.
• Introduction to course, history of waste and disposal with current practices in Perth.
• What is an Earth Carer’s role in waste management and how can the community be involved?
Peg Davies (Waste Education Officer at MRC) Officers from City of Wanneroo and others

Notes:
We get pens recycled from ink cartridges.
– Coles collect ‘soft and noisy’ plastic like plastic bags and bubble wrap and it gets recycled into outdoor furniture for schools and communities. Click here to see the video
– We learn about recycle, waste and bulk verge trucks. How they work and other good stuff. I’m so glad to hear they do e-waste and textile waste sometimes biannually.
– Even though tetra paks say recyclable they usually get discarded in the process because it’s a chore to separate.
– Now for the bins. Most councils will have a minimum of 2. The green lid (general and compost waste but no glass) and yellow lid (recycling all glass, cans and tins, plastic CONTAINERS only, not plastic bags or caps.) Please remember small items get missed by the machine and take your plastic bags to Coles. Other bins are light green lid (for green waste like things for mulch and garden clippings) and red bins for general waste in which case you would put only compost stuff in the standard green lid bin. Please also not each council has different ways they do things so it’s good to check.
– Shredded paper is no good for recycling as it falls through the machine.
– You can recycle takeaway coffee cups once separated as the bottom is usually cardboard while top is plastic.
– The see through party cups are not really plastic so should go in general waste.
– Story of woman who simple made a change to cloth nappies as store bought ones take DECADES! Jaimini can tell you more.
– Pleasantly surprised by a surprise dinner which was delicious and nutritious.
– Saw some slides on the history of waste and then The Story of Stuff video which was a good reminder.

Saturday 5 March 10am–2.30pm – Resource Recovery Facility, Pederick Road, Neerabup & Tamala Park Landfill site, 1700 Marmion Avenue, Tamala Park, 6303

Tour will include:
• Composting facility.
• Landfill and tip shop.
• Includes discussion on household hazardous waste.
Peg Davies (Waste Education Officer at MRC)

Notes:
Tour of Neerabup Resource Recovery Facility Centre.
– The visitor part had like a path of graphics that you follow to see the timeline of how a product starts and where it finishes. Home to compost to rubbish.
– Picture of a rubbish monster which sometimes forms when wrong recycling passes through and collects together.
– Process: Truck drops rubbish in hole > Grapple picks it and drops it in the chute > Goes through rotating composter for 3 days > 50 cent sized holes sieve things while remainder goes to Tamala park rubbish tip > Compost gets blasted through a ‘ballistic separator’ so the heavy stuff bounces harder than the light bits > compost is taken anywhere there is a market for.
– We were shown 3 gardens types. 1 – Soil only, 2 – Soil and mulch, 3 – Soil, mulch and compost. The compost one grew bigger things and was noticeably softer to walk on.

– Tour of Tamala Park Recycling Centre, Rubbish Tip, Shop and Transfer Station.
– History, what happens to them, where they go (mostly China) and issues of all the recycling from cooking oil turned into bio-diesel for the trucks they use to recycling bath tiles, mattresses, fridges, wood, tyres… everything you can recycle.
– 48 million tyres disposed annually!!!!
– Rubbish tips are holes dug up and now they’ve started lining the holes before throwing junk in them. It’s lasagne-ed with the limestone that was dug up. Pipes are used to collect the gasses which are mostly methane and CO2 to sell or use for electricity. Fun fact: Flammable part of farts does not smell.
– To clean wet lands special grasses are planted.
– While we have lunch we look at the local garden and how they’ve used stuff from the rubbish to create all sorts of handy compost fridges or creative musical instruments etc.
– Another important note: When you are in public and you use the bins there… it all goes to the rubbish. None of it goes to recycling or any kind of salvage process so if you can take recyclables back home it has a better chance. Even all the stuff in skips go to straight to landfill.

Tuesday 8 March 5.30-8.00pm – City Farm, Lime Street, Off Royal Street East Perth, 6004

• Tour of City Farm.
• Recycling options and gaps, what is/is not available in local areas.
• Local Council recycling services.
• Recycling at work.
• Green/non-toxic cleaning methods.
City Farm staff – Dora Deluca (Permaculture teacher, Manager Wilderness Soc), Peg Davies (MRC)

Notes:
Perth City Farm history and tour. So much going on and their vision to achieve. P.E.A.C.E. (Permaculture, Education, Arts, Community and Enterprise)
– Plastic that is buried does not contribute to greenhouse gasses.
– Peg takes us through an exercise to sort and place things that are thrown into – Problem, hazardous waste, re-use and recycle sections.
– Enjoy a vegan soup with gluten free bread and lots of fruit.
– With your electronics always take the batteries out, make a collection and take to the recycle place (look up Recycle right app). The batteries get collected, stored and sorted. Rechargeable ones go to France and others go to Singapore and Korea.
– Microbeads are such a big issue for the seas and because we can’t see them we wont see it in the seafood. See?! Microbeads aren’t just just used to bulk up the product. Refuse to buy these as they come in a lot of things like toothpastes, gels, scrubs, etc. (look up Beat the Microbead app).
– Nurdles – bigger microbead versions that fish eat.
– Alternatives to cleaning for home, self, laundry, etc.
– Talks about packaging and how to handle it.
– Beeswax ironed on a cloth can replace cling-film.
– Dora tells us her story. She’s been one of the older players at the Perth City Farm.
– CLAW Environmental operates a plastic recycling in the following areas – 1. Drum Muster – the regional collection and recycling of used agricultural chemical containers, 2. EPS – Expanded Polystyrene recycling, 3. Granulation of locally sourced plastics for local manufacture. 4. Contract shredding and granulation of plastics.
One of the biggest new problems are the coffee pods and only one place recycles them – Terracycle (http://www.terracycle.com.au/en-AU/brigades/nespresso-coffee-capsule-brigade)

Saturday 12 March 10am-2.00pm – West Leederville Community Garden, 56 Cambridge Street West Leederville, 6007

• Options for domestic organic waste solutions and community responses.
Rob and Brenda from Environment House, Peg Davies (MRC)

Notes:
– Rob from Environment House/Eco Shop talks about compost problems and his solutions and does demos of 3:1 of Green (Nitrogen):Brown (Carbon). Bad smells/sliminess = low oxygen.
– 320kg’s of greenhouse gasses are saved by composting so please turn your food scraps into soil. Solid paper is better recycled if you can otherwise please compost it and especially compost shredded paper. Also wipe fat and oil from pans and put it in the compost too. Don’t let it go down the drain.
– Peg talks about the Bokashi bucket (click for quick video) and gives us handouts. High protein stuff is best to use. The tea/juice is not only good to go on plants but also to clean toilets and drains. White cotton wool mould is good, black and blue not so good. How to bury it, etc.
– Putting your meat scraps in the freezer breaks the cell walls so saves you from chopping them up.
– History about the West Leederville Community Garden.
– Rob talks about worm farms (click for quick video). You can use de-gassed fridges, bath tubs, polystyrene boxes… all sorts as long as you have the basic features for a farm. The sludge at the bottom is best to mix with water so good microbes and chemicals will go deep in the soil when watering. Egg shells are good to balance acidity but crush them first. To start new farms, soak up lots of news paper in water for their food and ‘borrow’ friends worms. Few handfuls with castings, etc will do. Debates on not to put citrus, onions, leeks and chillies but Rob says try it out in corners.
– Fun fact: Untidy webs are usually red-back spider’s webs so now you know.
– Fun fact: Compost worms are nomads while earthworms are found deeper and have tunnels and homes.
– Fun rhyme: Dilution is the solution to pollution. But only in small scale.

Tuesday 15 March 6.00-8.30pm – REmida, 1 Prospect Place West Perth, 6065

• How to use the knowledge at home, work, schools, neighbourhoods and events. Hints, tips and ideas.
• Where to now?
• Tour of REmida and reusing industrial waste.
Kim, Organic Waste Solutions, Earth Carer stories

Notes:
REmida tour (Name originates in the educational philosophies of Reggio Emilia, in Italy and the Midas touch). It’s a not for profit which gets discarded materials and makes them available to members for art projects etc. They give small companies who participate a red bin and are always looking for volunteers and sometimes pay artists.
– Fun fact: Those spikey rubbery balls that I thought were for stress relief or reflexology are really for clothes dryers.
– I see this amazing shiny silvery net and upon closer inspection it’s really cellophane twisted up. Most probably CD covers and the like.
– Douglas talks about his experience, membership, tools and answers all questions. Says that small business are the ones that help most as big ones have compliance issues.
– Different people talk about support so don’t worry if your peers are looking at you like you’re crazy when you try to do your bit. We are the trailblazers and I got an understanding of why the ‘others’ think I’m the crazy one…. basically waste is NOT COOL and they just want it out of sight kinda thing. (Quick 3 minute video – How to start a movement TED talk)
Story of Solutions video. Do you want to play the game of more or better?
– Fun fact: 12 letters to the big guys is enough to get noticed.
– How a previous Earth Carer educated people on balloons. Helium or not they are bad! And coffee pods are even worse and should really not have that machine anywhere. The coffee pods info was emphasised more than once in this course.
– How people fit into dreamers, planners, doers and celebrators.
– Success story of Earth Carer solving school lost property and replacing plastic bags with 4 layers of newspaper in their bins. 3 for the sea movement where you look for 3 things to pick up while you’re at the beach. Things like when you carry your wine bottle with you, why not carry it back home where it will be recycled if thrown in your recycling instead of public waste.
– Song: No Such Thing As Waste by Charlie Mgee
Paras note: At the end of each course I’d go home feeling so good that I’m meeting more and more of my kind of nuts but this night was special. Some transformation happened with the trailblazers, waste is not cool angle and videos.

Tuesday 22 March 6.00-8.00pm – Victoria Park Council Offices, 99 Shepperton Road Victoria Park, 6100

• Presentation to graduating Earth Carers.
• Talk on relevant topic.
MRC staff, Guest speaker tba

Notes:
– Mindarie Regional Council CEO Brian Callander talks about past and future of MRC. Presents our graduation certificate, bag and presents.
– Skip bins are better than just plain old bulk verge collection.
– Peg reads a great Buddha story of how 500 garments would be honoured to be used as bed-covers and old bed-covers to pillowcases and old ones to floor covers to foot towels to floor mops.
– Amazing dinner!
– Ex-Earth Carer talks about her 6 years with the crew and inspirational stories about kids going camping. Buying Weigh ‘n Pay lollies to reduce packaging. Buy in bulk. Brining their own cups. They calculated that 250 cups were saved and 50 meters of food wrapping was saved. Also talked about adopt-a-spot.
You can also report anyone who throws things out of a vehicle.
– Richard from CLAW Environmental talks and presents about recycling plastic and polystyrene. Types of plastics and polystyrene. Separating them, contamination would be mixing the plastics. They go through 17 tons of polystyrene. How they process different plastics. Green polystyrene peanut packaging beads are really starch so just put those in hot water. Microbeads you can see but plastic breaks down into small invisible polymers which you can see.
– Even cigarette butts! Bin your butts as animals think they’re food, they account for 50% of litter in WA, a major cause of domestic and bush fires!
– Anne hands out resources for all sorts of projects.
– Peg closes.

Summary:
We were given quite a bit of material to go through and I’ll do my best to keep adding to this post but if not just look into what you’d like to focus on and Google it as there are so many resources, options and solutions out there. As I write this I’ve already volunteered to do some kids activities about Earth Caring at the International Permaculture Day Mega Meet-up

Other resources:
Earth Carers Notes Pdf
Support material links –
Earth Carers’ Leaflet
Earth Carers’ Handbook
Down to Earth booklet – All about waste
Down to Earth booklet – All about composting
Down to Earth booklet – Guide to setting up a worm farm
Down to Earth booklet – Guide to setting up a no-dig garden 
Down to Earth booklet – All about spreading the word
The Useful Book

 

A short course on caring for the earth, for free. Peg Davies teaching us all about where things go in the waste world &…

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Willpower: Rediscovering Our Greatest Strength by Roy F. Baumeister & John Tierney

Click to get the book or audiobook


Big up Big Brandon Carter for the recommendation.

Notes:
– Most common desire was to eat and sleep. Then sex.
– Carnegie’s Win Friends and Influence People book spent 8 pages on explaining to people how to have that winning smile. Passive bashing of similar books.
– Marshmallow experiment. Successful ones managed to distract themselves for 15 minutes to get another marshmallow. The ones that failed seemed to get in more trouble. The ones with more willpower had higher salaries, more points, better physical health, less issues with drug abuse, etc. So basically self-control in early age showed lots of good things.
– Amanda Palmer’s story of not breaking character by not drinking coffee and other practices for years. She only broke if a couple of times or so. 90 mins x 2 a day.
– Don’t think of a white bear and the monkey mind experiments. EEG experiments.
– Ago-depletion makes a big difference. Fatigue, tired, negative. Signal are things like reacting more sad to sad movies, ice cold water felt more painful, after eating one cookie there was a stronger craving. So look for a change in your feelings about these things. During withdrawal, the recovering addict is using so much willpower to break the habit that it’s likely to be a time of intense, prolonged ego depletion, and that very state will make the person feel the desire for the drug all the more strongly. It’s no wonder relapses are so common and addicts feel so weird when they quit.
– How during exams students would lose this ego. They’d increase their smoking, drinking, shopping, being messy etc. More coffee, less exercise.
– Beeper study: The more willpower expended, the more likely they were to yield to the next temptation. Cash rewards did boost willpower reserves but if it boosts it too much they get used up fast and don’t make it to the finish line if that makes sense.
– Two main points. 1 – You have a finite amount of willpower that becomes depleted as you use it. 2 – You use the same stock of willpower for all manner of tasks.
– 4 uses of willpower – 1 – Control of thoughts. 2 – Emotional control. 3 – Impulse control. 4 – Performance control.
– Focus on one project at a time! Don’t make a long list especially after new years! You will lose.
– Glucose and self-control are connected. Hypoglycaemia was connected to criminals and violent people or such activities. The food gets converted to glucose but does not get absorbed into the body. Surplus of glucose is like lots of firewood but no matches. If it’s high enough it’s known as diabetes. If students were given a healthy snack in the middle they’ll be less rambunctious. Dog experiment where sugar drinks restored their willpower.
– Women are less likely than men to suffer from lapses of self-control but are affected most during the luteal phase of their PMS cycle. It occurs after ovulation (when the ovaries release an egg) and before the period starts. But they are less likely to become criminals or addicts.
– Always eat well or have enough glucose before dealing with things that need willpower. Even sugar tablets have helped reduce the need for cigarettes. Eat foods with low glycemic index.
– Driving with a bad cold is worse than driving intoxicated. If your child has a cold before an SAT test… reschedule. When you’re tired sleep as you’ll end up with less self-control, do more unethical things, etc!
– Even God had to breakdown the creation of the world into daily tasks. But his list he finished and the final task was rest. Our lists keep growing.
– Set a clear goal. We set too many. There are 3 consequences of existing goals.
a) Worrying a lot, over thinking.
b) Get less done, procrastination.
c) Health is affected. More physical, mental issues and anxiety.
– Experiments of people with self-control and addicts. Fast reward, their long term stories were just 9 days compared to 4 years of folks with better self-control. Ignoring long-term goals are not good both physically and fiscally.
– Debate of which is better Proximal/Short term goals vs. Distal/Long term goals.
– Monthly planning/goal setting is best. Daily is time consuming, lacks flexibility and with so many changes everyday it can get frustrating.
– How Drew Carey called up Dave Allen author of Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity and hired his services … because he’s rich! Dave’s desk is complete absence of paperwork. Even the trays especially the inbox. Done, delegated, dropped or differed. I will be going through this book soon so you can read the notes there. Just do a search or click if the link is available.
– Zeigarnik Effect: Incomplete tasks and goals continue to pop in ones mind. Funny enough if you stop a song halfway your mind keeps thinking of it like it’s an incomplete task. So that’s why it’s stuck in my head! Which is why bad songs get stuck in our head.
– Grrrr. These books and their this study showed this but then that study negated it with this experiment and that experiment hypothesised … JUST GET TO THE POINT! Rant over. I’ll skip over the countless experiments mentioned.
– Mess is good but one mess at a time. Even if it’s getting cat food put it on a list!
– Marathon shopping depletes willpower. Bridal registry helps because it’s registered and things are in order.
– If you have a court case and it’s later in the day … bad news. Judges willpower and decision making will be depleted.
– When you have too much choice you get too picky and wait for something better. Shopping is the opposite, you deplete quickly so sellers market big things first and then towards the end save the impulse buys. How males lose their sense of priority and money when it comes to women.
– Self-awareness also plays a big part. Experiment where kids took more than one Halloween candy when the mirror was not facing them. People getting drunk to do all sorts of stupid things. 2 Step to improve this is 1. Setting a goal and 2. Monitoring your behaviour.
– Public info is also more important which is why all these fitness apps work so well.
– David Blaine’s doing all sorts of weird things so that he became an endurance artist.
– Sitting in good posture and upright helped lots of things.
– Many lefties are fairly ambidextrous.
– Exercises are like using proper words instead of yeah, nah and swearing. Exercise resisting to say them will grow the muscle.
– Exercise increases mental stamina and improved other aspects of life like studies, saving, less smoking and drinking, more chores, less junk food. Even though sometimes working out would mean eating more junk food.
– For men ‘oh heat’, will power is really low. This is where BBC (Big Brandon Carter of YouTube fame) talked about how he masturbates before making choices or how he recommended doing that when you start acting crazy.
– Use pre-commitment to stop you from getting into the bad habits. Making cash punishments help a lot and the more the money the more the success.
– Self-forgetfulness is another technique like how nurses distract you with other stuff and avoid using pain words.
– Talks about how prayer worked for non-believing Eric Clapton and Mary Karr. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar has also talked about how to make thing sacred so you honour it more.
– Teenagers risk a hell of a lot to get social acceptance and do it in a cool way.
– The ones who were better at getting support from other people ended up abstaining more frequently and doing less overall drinking. The barbecue law is where you drink with your mates and risk offending people if not, so alcoholics need the same kind of peer pressure in reverse. Religious people are less likely to get into the bad things and misfortunes come to them.
– Bright Lines: These are clear, simple, unambiguous rules. And if you believe that the rule is sacred—a commandment from God, the unquestionable law of a higher power—then it becomes an especially bright line.
– Self-esteem: Grades in 10th grade predicted self-esteem in 12th grade but not vice-versa.
– Narcissists: They need adulation and admiration but don’t require to be liked. Good first impressions but don’t wear well. They are everyone’s favourite person but only during the first few meetings and then slip to the bottom of the rankings. Recently it has risen with USA youth and even their songs full of I and me. (Paras note: One of the reasons I got bored of hip-hop). The exception is in Asian where it doesn’t show up because of good discipline and self-control.
– Confucian concepts of chiao shun, which means “to train,” and guan, which means both “to govern” and “to love.” Chinese parents have two things over their Western counterparts: (1) higher dreams for their children, and (2) higher regard for their children in the sense of knowing how much they can take. Chua’s basic strategies—set clear goals, enforce rules, punish failure, reward excellence.
– The punishment has to be closer to the incident! A relaxed but stern word or two would be the best way to go. Don’t ‘let this one go’ too much or too early.
– Ferber method, or Ferberization, is a technique invented by Dr. Richard Ferber to solve infant sleep problems. It involves “baby-training” children to self-soothe by allowing the child to cry for a predetermined amount of time before receiving external comfort. In this method both child and adult are happier in the long term. Children need and want clear rules and they need to know and understand them. Asking them what goals they have is good too as you can direct them accordingly.
– Money for grades is controversial but it works in the long term. Society will be doing it to them in future anyway.
– Children raised by single parents tend not to do as well in life as children who grow up with two parents. A lack of adult supervision during the teenage years turned out to be one of the strongest predictors of criminal behaviour. When parents keep tabs on where their children are, what they do, and whom they associate with, the children are much less likely to use illegal drugs than when parents keep fewer close tabs. Anything that forces children to exercise their self-control muscle can be helpful: taking music lessons, memorizing poems, saying prayers, minding their table manners, avoiding the use of profanity, writing thank-you notes.
– Most children aren’t being hurt by playing video games, and that they can derive some of the same benefits from the games as from practicing music, playing sports, or pursuing other passions that require discipline. Earn respect through their accomplishments. To acquire skills, they fail over and over.
– 3 Discipline to lose weight: 1. Never go on a diet. 2. Never vow to give up chocolate or any other food. 3. Whether you’re judging yourself or judging others, never equate being overweight with having weak willpower.
– It’s better to make gradual changes because intense diets makes the body hold on to fat thinking there is a famine.
– Conterregulatory eating: Dieters have a fixed target in mind for their maximum daily calories, and when they exceed it for some unexpected reason, they regard their diet as blown for the day.
– Trying to hide your feelings while watching a movie drains your willpower, rendering you more likely to overeat later on in a separate, ostensibly unrelated context.
– Nutritional catch-22: 1. In order not to eat, a dieter needs willpower. 2. In order to have willpower, a dieter needs to eat.
– Plan for battle in losing weight: Things like not keeping sweets out and visible, brushing teeth early before bed to stop from late night snacking. Using techniques like ‘if this, then that’. There is a connection with obese people clustering together like the story of how Oprah lost her overweight friends when she lost her weight. Weighing yourself everyday helps more than weekly. Prisoners gain more weight because they don’t wear tight fitting clothes or belts so they can’t gauge it. Eating in front of the TV encourages snacking as you’re not paying attention. It’s better saying I’ll eat it later instead of never.
– Procrastination: They are healthier overall but the closer they reach the deadline the more health issues they had so it cancels out!
– See last chapter title under Conclusion. Willpower 101 for a quick summary.
– The Planning fallacy: Late and over budget is the norm.

Contents
Introduction
The Decline of the Will
The Comeback of the Will
Evolution and Etiquette
Why Will Yourself to Read This?

1. Is willpower more than a metaphor?
The Radish Experiment
Name That Feeling
The Mystery of the Dirty Socks
Lessons from the Street and the Lab

2. Where does the power in willpower come from?
Brain Fuel
Inner Demons
Eat Your Way to Willpower

3. A brief history of the to-do list, from god to Drew Carey
Which Goals?
Fuzzy Versus Fussy
Drew Carey’s Dream In-Box
The Zeigarnik Effect
Zero Euphoria

4. Decision fatigue
Crossing the Rubicon
The Judge’s Dilemma (and the Prisoner’s Distress)
LazyChoices
Choose Your Prize

5. Where have all the dollars gone? The quantified self knows
I’m Self-aware, Therefore I . . . ?
The Quantified Self
Not-So-Invidious Comparisons

6. Can willpower be strengthened? (Preferably without feeling David Blaine’s pain)
Willpower Workouts
From Strength to More Strength
The Toughest Stunt of All

7. Outsmarting yourself in the heart of darkness
The Empathy Gap
The Ties That Bind
The Brain on Autopilot
But Enough About Me

8. Did a higher power help Eric Clapton and Mary Karr stop drinking?
The Mystery of AA
Heaven (like Hell) Is Other People
Sacred Self-control
Bright Lines

9. Raising strong children: self-esteem vs. self-control
From Self-esteem to Narcissism
Exceptional Asians
Nanny Deb and the Triplets
Rules for Babies and Vampires
Wandering Eyes
Playing to Win

10. The perfect storm of dieting
The What-the-Hell Effect
The Dieter’s Catch-22
Planning for Battle
Let Me Count the Weighs (and the Calories)
Never Say Never

Conclusion : The future of willpower: more gain, less strain (as long as you don’t procrastinate
The Deadline Test
Willpower 101, First Lesson: Know Your Limits
Watch for Symptoms
Pick Your Battles
Make a To-Do List—or at Least a To-Don’t List
Beware the Planning Fallacy
Don’t Forget the Basics (like Changing Your Socks)
The Power of Positive Procrastination
The Nothing Alternative (and Other Tricks of Offense)
Keep Track
Reward Often
The Future of Self-control

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