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Aks Production’s Acting Workshop June-July 2010

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Aks Production’s Acting Workshop June-July 2010

Big up Ambarish for the pics

Since I’ve been extra busy I’ve not got down the dates.

First Workshop meeting – Meet with the Aks crew, introduce ourselves and chit chat. After that we did some exercises for stage awareness, voice projection, trust, etc. Quite a few of them were what we teach kids in Art of Living’s ART Excel course. I was excited about the trust one as I’ve always wanted to be the one in the middle being pushed around. So that was cool though for the first one I think there was more talk and lets just say it’s a good thing Ankur is funny.

Second meeting – Get an email assigning me to Team 1. Basically we were divided into 2 groups and each group would further be divided into 2 plays. So meet up at Sanket’s beautiful place facing the docks. Our director Charan had mailed us 2 scripts and we went through them. Get an email telling me I’ve been given the part of Paul in the Growth. I was like yay… I have to sleep most of the time lol. So I recorded my script and put it on my mp3 player to listen to throughout the day. I must say the bus rides got interesting as I’d pretend to be talking to someone on the empty seat next to me or an occupied seat opposite the isle. Most of the time I’d get away with it coz the folks would think I’m just on my handsfree or something. But then there are some lines e.g. did you book that seat or did the airline stick you way over there? And folks would have that expression like this guy looks totally sane but why is he talking like this and how should I react to it.

Third meeting – Get to Tina’s for rehearsals. She’ll be playing my wife Sue and Sejal would be the hallucination/angel Monica. We go through our bits and get direction from Charan. Voice was the main problem and would be in coming rehearsals. So far so good. Note: Charan was talking about the 4th wall and representational/presentational act and I was like… I WANNA KNOW MORE!

The rest of the meetings took place in Regent’s park at the bandstand. We finally realised why Charan kept telling us about volume. We couldn’t hear anything just a few steps away from each other. So now we had to work on voice AND talk to the audience when speaking and look at the person when they were speaking… difficult concept and we’ve come a long way but still need to work on that bit. As in it’s just habit to face the person you’re talking to right? Oh and Paul has been a bit too stiff for a caring husband and I was told to work on that. It was kinda difficult coz that ‘nice guy/lovey dovey guy’ is a part of my past and my ego was like you’re not gonna be needy… till Charan mentioned something about what is needy to me is called love to the rest. I was still beating myself up for not getting it coz it was just acting so after rehearsals it was time to calibrate. Asked myself when I felt that lovey dovey caring stuff. Only with 2 people and music of course. I thought I was gonna have to confide in Tina to feel that but I felt it… and confided anyway lol. But yeah… every emotion I linked to a song and either one of the two people that I used to show all my emotions to. It did help coz Sue has a tumor and I’m trying to be caring and all just like how I used to be with moms wheeling her around.

So every time we meet we work and build on something. After voices and looking at the audience came emoting the lines with all the lovey dovey stuff. Note: I think this is the first time I’ve held a skinny girls hand… and it’s not too bad ;o) Note 2: Was meant to design the poster and tickets for this production but its a not for profit thing and that means no income which aint happening since my seva time and resources are booked for Art of Living till end of August. Plus Aks was formed by folks wanting to get away from their work and I was spending enough time and money for the workshop. Hell by he time I get home I just have time to sleep… maybe change. And sleep was getting hard enough as it was as the Alam brothers seem to like rearranging their furniture every other midnight while my Bangla housemates in the living room next to me feel a song coming on every other minute.

Workshop 2 with Ankur’s parents and sister – Intros etc… right of the bat I was told to stretch the R and S in my name. Oh and thats the other thing… out of all the cast I thought I’d be the loudest and it turns out I was the softest. Let me reword that… I was the least loudest!? Shows you just how much your perception is not what is reality. But I’ll come to that in a bit. We do some more exercises and then do our plays right… now the parents give us tweaks and stuff. They were amazing… in a nutshell… try and express each and every word spoken and every space before, after and in between. Only bit I was heart broken was when I was told to tone down the anger and be more caring in a very emotional bit which I had to dig into my past to get out… and it’s still hard to show it but yeah Charan confirmed it’s all good and the emotion stays. Anyway so sacrificed a major fam reunion after ages for it but I had to do it… my been there done that reflex kicked in. By the time I joined the fam reunion it chilled out and I’ve been trying something different especially by staying away from the music but towards the end I ended up there. Teaching belly dance and farting around lol. That Polish beer was sooo strong I had to sleep it off the whole next day.

More meetings at Regents Park bandstand. More rehearsals and I totally forgot one crucial bit but we got to it… it was emoting and reacting to our partners lines. So we had to add to that and now I’m feeling comfortable with it coz it’s starting to flow. Sue and Paul are starting to feel like a couple. Funny bit: The director knows what he wants so he’s directing that way and sometimes the cast feel like they can word it better or help and ends up being a ‘too many cooks…’ situation. So yeah… the shouting lines at each other is starting to feel natural too. It’s getting there but at the same time lots of tweaks needed. Note: Usually I’d get to Regents Park extra early so either catch some sleep or chill by the lake/pond thing. This time round I was eating my carrots and feeding some of the ducks there and a gaggle of geese come uncomfortably close. One was right next to me and I’m like does this fool want a carrot or is he gonna bite me. He was saying something to me… if only I had subtitles. It was nice though… till a silly girl decided to chase them around. I think I took their spot coz they settled quite close to me. It felt like the main one was yelling cuss words my way. Note: Using that world, gaggle, just took me back to Std. 7. What were those books called again? First Aid in English or something?

Meet again at the Peacock theatre for proper rehearsals. Usually we’d say a few lines and Charan would panel beat it when needed… now it was time for us to do it fully. First time we were better. The other plays are so much more funny and have much more movement. Ours is just in a flight sitting and talking. And one of the plays has cuss words man! The cocksucker bit makes my day every time…. where was I? Oh the first time round Charan even recorded our bits and we watched it and realised that one of the biggest things we needed to bump up was our hand and body expressions as our facial expressions were lost in the distance. And this theatre is not that big even. Second time we were really crap… but louder so that was good. I personally thought that main bit where I lose it was good but no one else giving me props so I guess I gotta work on it. Yo, but Neha Jain said I was a cute husband… Paras felt a flashback when he used to be sweet and cute and all but just to clarify… I’M PLAYING A CHARACTER so she was talking about him OKAY! LMAO! My dear Sue was not happy with her part and I was feeling this need to be there for her. So I guess this acting stuff is helping me feel for stuff other than music. Anyway get home and I don’t have work the next day so I’mma sleep my ass off!

Yeah right… my body clock is programmed to wake up by 9 atleast and after the energy drinks last night for the play… I think I fell asleep when it was getting bright so say 4am in summer. Spend some quality time with the lappy… I ignored her for a whole week man.

After a weekend break we met again at the usual Regents Park Bandstand and Ankur joined the second performance. Dude gave us some pretty deep mindsets to think about especially for the emotions and how they transition. So now my lovey dovey-ness is good but my sarcasm is missing and I gotta work on the reaction while Sue is talking but yeah out of all the plays ours is ready to go. Can’t remember if I mentioned this but our play is the most static, sad and some other S word (I think slow) and it’s been slotted in to be the second one in the 4 short plays.

Rainy windy day… it was dry by the time we got to the bandstand and time we did something called gabble where we just blurt out our lines fast and try to do it without mistakes. Then did a straight run I was not at all pleased with… even the second straight run I was not happy with my execution. Charan asks us to take note of our props list. Get home and pack and go stay elsewhere to try get some decent sleep but that didn’t happen.

Friday (2 days to the play) – Just got named and shamed coz I didn’t pay the workshop balance lol. Ok so we meet for a proper dress rehearsal at The Cockpit. I was early as usual and it was closed so try out this minced lamb on a naan pizza like thing next door and I realised these guys on around Edgware road are either trying to be rude or don’t have it in them to look you in the eyes. Anyway, Tina tells me to meet her at the sheesha place we usually hang and get coffees from. Sejal joins us. Rija was there too and we didn’t even realise. Dude next to us leaves the sheesha for Sej and me. The waiter is not too pleased with that and tries to take it away. Then I ask for another glass for mint tea and he refuses to bring it! Oh well… back to the play… see now the crew has already beautiful women so when they came out dressed I was like that Boyz II Men song … if there could only be 3 more of me…. So our first rehearsal went ok and Charan let us go, from now on we’re on our own but we need to work on that volume. Do some more gabble and get a chance to rehearse once more which came out great… hell I was happy with my bit finally. But yeah it’s freaking me out a little as I start feeling my heartbeat and shakes and cotton mouth. We’re told alcohol would not help as it’ll interfere with our voices. Bit of a challenge but exciting too. All the plays are coming out well… you can see there is chemistry between the characters and now it’s basically fine tuning.

Thought I’d wake up early… go to the gym at 9 and meet with the crew to hang as we couldn’t do much without Sejal. Even skipped my workout and just did a run and still got there late. And on the bus a kid threw up on my Converse shoes which I rarely take out for a walk. It’s all good, it was more water than anything else and didn’t even smell the bus out or anything. I’d go into more detail about it but this one’s about Aks sooo… Charan had left The Rag Factory by then so I watched the other teams rehearsals. Man Sarah’s expression are soooo amazing even though her second character plays the perfect ‘kinda crazy about measurements’ partner. I don’t mean measurements in that way! I just realised the other plays have a kink… one has some psycho-ness, another has swearing and the other has sexual references.

The Big Day – Wake up early thinking I’ll squeeze in a run at the gym… worked out my vocal instead by singing and rapping after ages. Get there early and wait for the rest. Rehearse sound and light and curtain calls. During the curtain call Ankur calls me Paras Shah and my reaction was ‘thats not my surname mother f***er!’ as I walk on stage (in a funny way of course). Lol I was like if that happens during the main show I’m gonna replace it with most famous swear word in one of the plays. Find out the print outs have mine and Heteash’s surnames wrong on there but Charan nipped off too his office to fix that. Rehearsed a few times and the last minute changes were hard to incorporate especially pretending to sleep with my chin up so the audience can see my face. Make up time. Back stage was wicked… we thought the place was small but more rooms lead to more rooms and they have this speaker system where you can hear whats going on ‘on stage’ so clearly. Just hope nobody was bitching about anybody else. The guys dressing area had a piano and washing machines etc. Everyone’s starting to look fly… Neha Datta hooked up the older person look on Sanket and Sejal. Suddenly felt like prep with Blue Sky Films all over again.

The performance – First the musicians went on. Ali knew these guys separately and got them together for this show. They sounded crap on the backstage speaker thing but the crowd loved em. First short play goes on… sounds good. We’re next and I was trying to find a quiet place to go blank but didn’t and saw Sarah with her headphones on… BRILLIANT! Thats what I usually do to drown the rest of the noise anyway. Still end up getting advice and I can’t remember what anyone said coz it stitched through my ears. Our play had 2 screw ups… first one from yours truly of course saying the wrong line. The second screw up kinda covered up the first and the audience had no clue so it’s all good. After that my stomach turned into a washing machine. OH the whole day I don’t know what was up but before the play I had to go 5 times! Anyway so I suppress this feeling of Alien wanting to break out of my stomach with a whiskey and serious flirting in Albanian with the Kosovan barmaid. Feel better and get backstage again. Wait for the the plays to finish. Curtain calls. Meet my fam and friends at the bar again. It was pretty packed so we left for a shawarma at Helen’s. Can’t believe after all this time practicing it was over so quick. Everyone was full of nothing but compliments but I wanted to know which bits were off. I was told the bad words caught people off guard mostly since there were kids in the audience. Note: Gotta find out what that feeling in the stomach was coz it was BAD! Hell I took a day off work to recover.

So yeah… the Workshop was worth it … total £95 (mostly to sell tickets) plus lots of time rehearsing. We were told we’ll get more of a practical experience from it instead of learning stuff, but some acting for dummies advice now and then would have been good. The producers and directors were great, the crew was amazing… in a few weeks we were already like a family. Was hoping for some kinda drama but they were all too cool, full of jokes and they saved the drama for the stage. Cock suckers!

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Camping in Isle of Wight 30th April – 3rd May 2010

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Camping in Isle of Wight 30th April – 3rd May 2010

30/04/2010 Friday – Gym. Pack. Rewatch Naruto Shippuden Movie 2 (Bonds) at Sags. Over to Neha’s to fit the seats in the van. Shopping with Sach, Sag, Poo in Asda, Nish joins us, Neel cheerleads us. We shop for 3 hours man! It was so long, even the check out lady saved our receipt as a souvenir. Over to Sach’s for some chilly ass pizza and packing. Back to Sags, I stay awake till 2am burning music for the trip.

1/05/2010 Saturday – Wake at 5.30. Neel comes by with some chilly pau bhaji that made a good brekkie. Petrol. Shalins to pack. Back to Sags to get the yum yums. Over to Sach’s again to pack. Back to Sags to get Sach’s sleeping bag. Lol. Ok there’s another Sach now so we’ll call the tall one Sach and we’ll call Sach #1 Sacho. Pack Sacho and Roochi’s things. And we on the road! South Hampton ferry. Drinks, chit chat. Bond with Roochi about AOL and spiritual stuff. Now we get to the Chine Farm Camping Site and I wanna pee badly. I ask the reception lady and the way she directed me I thought it was gonna be far so I run across some house fences and get my leak on. From a distance I hear this granny that was in the car shouting at Nishil asking him where ‘that boy has gone, there’s nothing over there’. So I unload asap and pretend I went to wave Sag down if he was coming from the other direction. She started chatting about we better behave or she’ll have the police over and we don’t tolerate yap yap. Then she gets back in her car and continues her spying. And when I say spying… picture a busybody on her open driveway driving to the front of the drive to have a closer look at the people parked across the road… then she reverses back. I sure wanted to play some pranks on her but we had to pitch tents.

We got such a wicked spot at the edge of the cliff looking out to the beach. Setting up the tents was a mission though coz of the sea/land breezes. Now if the vid is not too clear I’ll describe some bits… I snuck away to the cliff to take in the scenery. This dude walking on the pebble beach way down there. I can hear each stride as he makes his mark on the beach. After a while there is a long line from one end till the other of only his set of footprints. But check this one… he’d stopped with a map in his hand and he was studying a cliff. At least thats what it looked like… I can’t make sense of that?!?!? Then this paraglider passes us so close man. After a while I notice him just jumping off the cliff on one end and then coming back in like he was stitching the cliffs. And then these seabirds fly past real close… it was all too trippy man! Felt kinda dizzy… didn’t know if it was the highness or the food but had to get to my recovery position a bit too early in the trip lol. And I don’t know if Sag is pranking me or not but he was like I vanished for more than 2 hours. He finally got me and my insides were burning up man. Even drinking water felt a bit like acid. Acidity, heartburn, food poisioning, all those chillies… whatever it was, it wasn’t going away… till Sag hooked me up. Roochi had hooked up some koroga style chicken which was amazing even thought I only managed a lil bite. Something about fires and we had a couple of pyromaniacs in the crew. Go to sleep and in the middle of the night it rained down like mad!

2/05/2010 Sunday – We had so much food so mostly it was cooking cooking and cooking. Hash browns, bacon. Sag sorted out some scramble and pancetta. That was entertaining. Oh and big up Priya for the hotchocolate with Bailey’s. Sheetal, Sacho, Roochi and Neil take refuge in Sach’s tent and with the little window they turn into the X-Factor judges. I did the raps, Priya did the singing and Neil did the … well whatever he did he won lol. In the mean time Nishil had set up the other tent’s lounge into a games room so the party moved here. An attempt to play Risk didn’t work out so we ended up playing Twister. And playing it on an air bed was even more interesting. Helped my back but I’ll come to that in a bit. Everyone takes a break, play some cards and it’s off to do some fishing. Sach and Sacho said they’ll go the shorter and harder way… we took the longer way and end up seeing them still at the top of the cliff. Kill time till they come by playing fill the hoodies up with stones without the wearer knowing it. Or hoodie stone poker… Nish was competition coz he got some big ones in a couple of hoods. Lol that was fun. Got a few in Nish’s wine too. Walking on a pebble beach uphill is another workout man. So yeah these guys sort out their rods and bait, etc. Some of us head back… going back up those hills with so layers on, I had to take a few breaks. Get to our camp and Roochi’s reading gave me an idea. So take one of the chairs to the cliff, watch the sunset and this amazing view where the water had the silver lining in the horizon man… hope the mobile pic comes out right. Get my read on till the winds stiffened my fingers too much to turn pages. Rest and get some more me time in the sleeping bag. It was like a camping version of my Sunday routine at the gym. Mild cardio walking down the cliffs, leg workout coming up, read on the exercycle and check out what on the screens (in this case the lovely horizon), yoga (twister on air bed) and steam/sauna (breathing in my sleeping bag lol).

Something about Neil and the pizza jiko. Can’t remember. Sacho hooked up the wings Roochi prepared. Just like how moms used to make em… I think I know who I’m gonna marry ;o) Big up Shalin and Priya for hooking up the pizza’s, I was on the other jiko trying to sort out the garlic bread. Hell they even came up with a banana and chocolate pizza… too bad we ran out of marshmallows. Kinda remember confiding in Sheetal how she reminds me of my best friend and how I miss her coz I don’t get to chill with her since she got married. Music, dance, eat, jokes, sound fx lol. By now we were drunk and tired and ready to sleep but Sach and I was worried about leaving Neil alone with the fire so Sach took it away from the camp. I was still worried coz it was closest to me in the tent but Nish woke up by then. And I thought I was a pyromaniac.

3/05/2010 Monday – Hangover! Pack. I was kinda heartbroken and how much we wasted but like I said… hangover. Shower help that situation out a bit. Ferry, pics, sleep while Sag drives. Get to Sag’s, Naruto Shippuden Movie 3. Over to Shalin, pick drops, Sach’s, pick drops. Finish watching Naruto Shippuden Movie and as I realise my ‘will of fire’ the movie site ends up downloading wrong things on the work comp. Which reminds me… new episode is out so see you next week!

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(Old) R. Kelly

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(Old) R. Kelly
Now you know how I love me some different identities right. In all of this mans CD booklet/sleeve he’s got some look going on. His R. double had too many ‘personalities’, the TP2.com had the whole R&B thug thing going on. I could go on but let’s stick to his latest personalities and game plan. First comes out the Happy People/U Saved Me where he portrays a polished, no stress, no mess, wanna dance, lil romance, happy stepping brother in the first CD… and a church loving, god fearing, all inspiring man of gospel in the second. That’s two personalities right? Then he unleashes Unfinished Business with one of the top dogs in the gangsta rap scene… in fact top dogs in the rap scene where R. changed his aura to flossin’, ballin’… basically being a G. Three different styles for three different markets mannnnnnnnnnnn! Like his song goes… only the loot can make me happy, like his other song goes… money make the world go round. Kell’s got his hands in the cheddar baby. I think I really love the man coz I wanna be him. Skills (vocally and tactics), life, styles, money, power and lil girls lol. It’s about time he was coined King of R&B. From the Pied Piper to King Kelly. Ciao.

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Memoirs of a Nature Voyeur

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Memoirs of a Nature Voyeur
I’ve watched the earth and weather fornicate right in front of us and we don’t even realise it. As Al Gore pointed out… an year to the planet is like one full breath, inhalation and exhalation. Well to me one year is like a day and night of courting for the planet. Picture earth as the lady and the weather as the not so gentleman.

Spring
Winter is over so it’s time to flirt. They’re recovering from the previous night. She gradually decorates her trees with light clothing… lots of leaves and a blossom put on like glitter, they only stand out when he focuses his light on them. He does not seem that interested after last night. It’s to early anyway so they both want to get their bearings back.

Summer
Just like an animal on heat… it’s on! Not only has she dressed up fully, she’s also accessorised ostentatiously with nests and birds and sometimes with carrier bags stuck on her limbs. Those are not her choice just like a lumpy mascara. Seems like he can’t keep his glare off her, so much so it’s making her heat up. She sends her flocks of birds at him, like teasing him with her perfume. He’s still a gentleman for now, only the glare of his heat is aggressive. She can’t resist it. Grass and flowers reach up to him like goosebumps.

Autumn
Feels like evening and as much as they don’t want to part… they have to get changed for their rendezvous. She comes back with a fiery number, yellows like butter that make him melt. Oranges like the blushing they both try to ignore. Reds like a dessert with a cherry on top that he can’t wait to eat. He changes his aggressive hot sun for a cooler, mysterious moon. He glitters like a superstar. They take a minute to look each other over and later nature take it’s course. Before you know it… he is intensely flirting with her, his wind takes her and spins her around, grabs her securely and flings her away sometimes like in Swing Dance, sometimes like Tango. His wind passes through her leaves like a fingers through hair… but as it gets stronger it’s more like he’s undressing her. Her leaves settle on the ground… she does not care if she seems un-ladylike any more. She bares all.

Winter
It’s about that time. Even though they’re naked and cold, the play fighting goes on. Everything on her feels like a celebration with kissing under mistletoes and unwrapping his gift, everything on him feels like he has no control. How can they be so stiff and supple? While we walk on by trying to get away from the misery and layer up… these two are inseparable. The time has come… we look forward for his point of no return because to us, it’s the perfect christmas. He covers her with his uncontrolled snow. We watch through our windows, some complain, others marvel but the two it matters most to… they are in rapture… and paralysed.

It’s spring again and they’re recovering from the pervious night…

(My thoughts are not meant to be too poetic or censored but I thought using ‘bukkake’ or ‘money-shot’ would not go too well so I thought I’d mention them here ;o))

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My First Eviction Letter 12th May 2010

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My First Eviction Letter 12th May 2010
Let’s take it back a month. It’s April… there’s not internet and the housemates (especially myself) are not pleased. Then the shower busts. Landlord is reluctant to come and when he does he’s like it’s only my duty to maintain electricity and heating. That was the first sign I knew there’d be trouble in the future. The shower is working but not the way it used to. Before we could use it on full power and adjust the heating. Now on full power it makes me dance by alternating from extra scalding hot to extra cold. Not the way I like waking up. So I text landlord and he’s trying to get away with things. I’m busy waking up earlier than normal, as I’m helping teach meditation and yoga and stuff to 20 Somalian kids, when it is much colder. I’m texting him with lots of patience and explaining whats going on and why it’s bothering me. He’s like keep it on medium power now and full heating. But it’s not hot enough for me! I like starting a warmer temperature and slowing amping it up to steaming hot. On top of that everyday the temperature changes no matter how full I put the heating. So a few cranky wake ups like that and I lose it and text him telling him it’s the second time this has happened… third time we take it to court and play ball.

See the court bit was just to scare him right… like he wasn’t picking up my calls or replying to my texts unless I sent him threats. Well it worked a bit too well lol. He said he’s got the other housemates to bare witness and I’m like 1. That not what the other housemates tell me as they complain too. 2. I figured I needed a wintess so I have my advisor come and ‘bare witness’ for me. I understand BK can handle the temperature I mean this is a dude that was roaming in the house in his boxers in winter when the heating was not working. And anyway why am I paying the same about when the standards have dropped from when I first moved in. So anyway dude says he’ll come over and he doesn’t. Few more days same thing so I threaten not to pay full rent and he’s over in a flash.

Now the both of us are in the shower… he’s adjusting things for about 10 minutes to prove his point that I can get the temperature I want and once I figure it out I should always remember that setting. Umm… I don’t think so. First of all I don’t want to court the shower till it gives me what I want. Second I don’t want to stick to one main temperature. And finally … infact screw finally… there’s just too many things wrong with this picture. So I explain to him that I don’t wanna be doing all that as it’s wasting my time and giving me distress. Note: Distress is a hot court word. Basically it spoils the rest of my day then. And I even added that my ‘advisor’ has asked me to note down when it ‘distresses’ me and what the conditions where and what I tried etc. So I told him thats how it wastes my time even more… he gets a worried look on his face and says the shower is insured so he can call the plumber but the plumber is gonna say the same thing and he does not like the tone in my texts. I say the texts should indicate how much it’s bothering me so YES, please do call the plumber and get it sorted as it’s a landlords duty to do such a thing.

Kent and BK are downstairs laughing… well Kent mostly as he’s like he’s happy to be moving out as he had the same problems. I’m like why don’t you guys stand up for it. BK does this kinda work so he’s like I was gonna fix it myself but Landlord said it’s insured and bla bla. I figured the landlord was a sweettalker but avoiding your onus? I let landlord and housemates know that I was raised to fight for what is owed to me and this is owed to all of us (MLK stylie lol). So landlord agrees and says he’ll sort it out and I’m like much appreciated and even thought I said I wont pay full rent I understand you had a son last month so you’re kinda busy etc.

Then his true colours came and disappeared so fast like a peacock fanned out, slapped me, fanned back in and silently walked away with his beak up. It was pretty smooth and the only thing I didn’t account for in my ‘game’. He brought up the ‘advisor’ I kept refering to. I’m like he helped me a long time back when another landlord and the landlord ended up having to pay extra to fix up the house. He’s been sending me texts to the matter and comes over every now and then to bare witness right. Dude’s like oh ok. Then he mentions when I want to move out and I tell him I have not intension of moving out, I like the place, I cool with the housemates, etc, etc. All I want is the shower fixed so I can go back to not bothering you about my botherations and pay my rent on time as usual. Oh man… finally he’s like so you’re serious about this advisor. I’m like I told you, I fight for what is mine and will be on your case for you to do your bit. His hand is inside his jacket by now… ‘in that case I’m sorry but I have to give you this’.

TAN-TARAN!!! My first eviction letter. Part of me was excited about the eviction letter, part was like wicked I can finally look for a place in the South or Camden, and part of me was like what a hassle man! I like change but I had a schedule too and now I gotta put a few things on pause to look for houseshares again. So clever, asking me about the advisor, getting me to admit I like living there and then telling me to make the most of it for 28 more days. But we were both cool about it coz at the end of the day he does not want someone who’s going to threaten him and I don’t want a landlord that is going to be this reluctant and evasive. Baby or not, I can’t compromise on my rituals and necessities. Anyway I don’t want problems as this has disorganised my mindspace enough as it is.

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Compassion & Trust by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

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Compassion & Trust by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
1993 Santa Barbara California

Ok observe what is happening in the mind right now. What is happening? Whatever I say is secondary, but you being aware of what is happening right now with you is primary. See a question arises and you’re waiting for an answer. Are you aware of this? Or in your mind you say yes or no, you agree or disagree. Are you aware of this? This is a quality of consciousness which does not come unless we develop it, unless we call for it. See what I’m saying? There are few qualities in human beings which makes us different from an animal. Can you tell me what they are? How come human being are different from other animals. There are very few qualities, you can count them on one hand. One of them is laughing. You are bestowed with laughing. Understanding, though animals do have a degree of understanding, humans have it much different and much more. Though there is intelligence, even a bird or whatever, there is a small about of intelligence. Do you see that? They make their nest, they know how to pick up their food, they know, all their needs they take care. But they do not how to be aware of themselves. What is happening in them every moment. And this does not come in us unless we tap the source. For example we have been breathing all the time, aren’t we? Unless we put our attention, we will not be aware of the breath. You know the first act of life is you took a deep breath in and the last act is breathing out. First act was breathing and second is crying, and your last act you breathe out and make others cry. When you cried everybody else laughed, and when you laugh in the end, you will laugh ‘that is death’. Nobody asked about death. Total relief. When you laugh then everybody else cries. Just that shift, change of duties.

Between this first act of life and the last, all through life we are breathing. Not a single moment we suspend our breath. Whether eating, sleeping, walking, talking, etc the breath has been with us but we are not aware of it. Breath is the link between the body, your spirit and your mind. And there are rhythms in the breath, have you noticed your breathing is different in different state of your mind, emotions, thoughts. When you have a sigh of relief you breath out, exhalation is more prominent. And when you’re enjoying something, your inhalation is prominent. Your exhalation is in the background. So every mode/mood of mind, every wave of emotion in us has a corresponding rhythm in the breath and this rhythm in the breath has a corresponding sensation in different parts of the body. So they’re all linked, when we look at them, observe them, life becomes more integrated. Mind becomes more integrated, and we are able to do things more clearly and with more joy. If you observe your mind it’s either in the past or future. We regret the past and anxious about the future. Just imagine every exit you miss… ‘oh I should have taken that exit’. It should have happened that way, I made a mistake… every moment you think I made a mistake. In a very unconscious or subconscious manner you’re piling up some dust inside you. And that regret piles up and becomes so big… and you blow up. Have you seen this happening to you?

When you let go, your mind can be in the present moment. More and more and more, you’re able to smile from the depth of your heart. Life becomes more light and easy. You know what we do, when something wrong happens we either blame ourselves or somebody else. We don’t take things as they are. We want to find out a reason, label it and put the blame on somebody else or ourselves. So we constantly get into this trip of blaming someone or ourselves. Which leads into one another. You blame others because you blame yourself. And because you blame yourself you start blaming others. Do you see this pendulum that happens. Life has much more to offer to us. Don’t you think so? Someone asked forgiveness. First you think somebody has intentionally done something wrong to you. Then you try to forgive them. It becomes hard to. I’ll tell you compassion is better than forgiveness. The very word implies there is an intention in somebodies mistake. Somebody is bad so you’re going to forgive them. Peep into their hearts, go beyond their words, beyond their behaviour. You will see, they need compassion. They need help. They’re not happy. One who is happy will not make a mistake, will not harm anybody, will not be selfish. Cannot be selfish. Do not see intention behind somebody elses mistakes. See the inevitability behind others mistakes. Then you don’t need to forgive, you’ll simply smile at it. And you jump forward to help them. Does that make sense?

When there is a wound somewhere deep inside a person he will try to share that with other people, what else can he do? You just recognise, oh he needs compassion. Compassion is the only treatment, unconditional love is the only medicine. Letting go is the medicine for that. You know we try to hold on to people, even when we love we love with a condition. See I love you so in return you must love me or do something else. Better you prove your love to me.

See you doubt in the positivity of people, goodness of people. You don’t doubt in the negativity or badness in the people do you? Have you ever doubted in someones anger towards you? Have you ever said, are you really angry at me, I don’t believe it! (laughter) But if someone says I love you dear, you say ‘really’. Sure? Truly? Then prove it! Just examine what do you doubt always what is good. Whether it is in you or in someone else. When you’re depressed you never doubt your depression but when you’re happy you doubt… am I really happy, is this really what I want. And then mind says I’m not sure. You get the best job, what you desire and then ‘is this the best job, I’m not sure’. (laughter) But when you’re in a tight position, you don’t want to be there, do you doubt it? No, you don’t doubt that.

In order to trust you first understand your doubt. You doubt yourself and you doubt people around you, and then you doubt in the existence of god. Which is very abstract. The world lives on trust. Every aspect in life moves with trust. And even your life, if there is no trust at all, it cannot move an inch. I like a disease you know, when you doubt yourself, will I be able to do this. You doubt in your capabilities, you never doubt in your incapabilities. And because of this you start doubting in people around you. You start with an assumption ‘everybody is hopeless and a cheat, let me try to find who is the right person’. And it becomes so hard to find somebody right. Because you start with an assumption everybody is a cheat. You see what I’m saying? And the same, with the presence of something which is beyond comprehension of a small intellect, of our mind. Awareness of the divine, the divine presence. Now the question comes, how do you remember it all the time?

I tell you there is no need to remember it all the time. Forget about it. Your effort to remember god or divine all the time, is of no use. Now I ask you, do you remember your name all the time. Do you have to remember every morning, I am so and so? (laughter) Do you have to remember you live in Santa Barbara every morning? Do you have to remember that you have to eat, sleep, brush everyday? Or do you have to sit and memorise the names of all your relatives and friends. Or do you feel disconnected if you don’t remember your family anytime? NO! It’s not like remembering a poem or saying my god, my god. Of course you say often OH MY GOD! But when a different tone, you don’t remember god anyway. (laughter) All you remember is how bad the situation is. Remembrance is just experiencing the presence in the sense it was said then… being present, alert, awake. It’s not again and again thinking.

Do you make an effort to be joyful, to be loving. I tell you then you’re going the other way. The moment you make an effort to love somebody or to be happy. You cannot be! It’s a part of you. Same with the divine, divine is part of you. You cannot even if you want. Just being aware of it. Like being aware you are in Santa Barbara. It’s not a constant effortful thinking. You see what I’m saying? Often people were told remember god, immediately we come to the conclusion… it is an awful effortful thinking. Or doing. Those who do not know the truth will say those. When you experience joy, whenever you are happy, loving. All those moments you have been in touch with the divine nature that is deep inside you. When you are natural, when you don’t pretend, then you are very close to the divine. I’m not saying, you should not pretend.

If you are an air hostess in a plane you have to pretend with a smile on your face. Goodbye goodbye, welcome, nice having you on the flight, whatever. (laughter) All those words. Hope you enjoyed. You can do that. As long as you are aware that your real life is not just this, there is a real depth to it. There is another dimension to it. Now another thing is we keep looking whether people love us or like us or not. And we make efforts to love people and like them. Tell you… don’t worry. Even if they don’t like you or love you. From your side consider they do love you. So that your love at least gets protected. Otherwise when you think someone does not love you, then you will also stop loving them. Hasn’t this happened to you. Say even if somebody doesn’t love you, you just go and tell them ‘oh I know you love me so much’. Tell them 5-6 times and see the change in them. Even if they don’t love you they’ll start loving you. They can’t but. It just gets kindled, instead you keep challenging, asking do you really love me? If you really love me you wont do like this. You should be doing this way. When we put it like that, when we keep such measuring rods, then we are draining love. You see what I’m saying? What do you say?

Abundance. Abundance again is a state of mind within you. If you just look at lack, the lack increases in life. You may think you lack hundred thousand dollars, ok tomorrow you have hundred thousand dollars. Then you feel you lack 200 thousand dollars. A gentleman, a homeless prayed to god. Give me just 1 million and that’s it, I wont ask anything more. I can live all my life and half of it I will donate to other people. So god said ok, you have it. So he got a lottery. He got one million, but he had never spend so much, what should I do now. So he went looking in Sunset Boulevard, LA. And he found a home there, nice. A million and a quarter. (laughter) Said ohhhh I’m so unlucky, if only I had a quarter more. I’d have had this house of my dreams. I had always dreamt of this house all my life.

The lack continues. Don’t look at the lack. See what you have. You know, then abundance increases. You talk to any big movie producer or a big industrialist. You know they have big credit. You may have a 100,000 credit and they have 4 million credit. And you talk to the treasury of this country, they’ll say oh this country is in debt. We are in recession. It’s a huge debt. Isn’t it? You talk to the California state, whoever it is, what do you say treasury? Are they not in some debt? (audience – big debt) More money a person has, he invests in an industry, he wants to expand it so he gets a bigger loan and a bigger loan is again a? Debt! If he just looks at it he’s find and say oh its a big lack. Nobody can ever feel abundance if they just look at that. Focus, because where you put your energy, that increases in life. Your attention increases whatever, wherever it goes. If you think nobody loves me, everybody hates me, then I tell you that is what is going to happen. Coz you’re looking that way. I’m sure you’ll find that… say a nice person will not give you big smile, or they might not welcome you. A lot is because you are directing your attention that way. Take it for granted even if nobody loves you, say everyone loves me. The air loves me, that’s why it’s going inside me. The day the sun stops loving you, earth stops loving you, you can never be here. God loves you, that is enough.

And you are love! That is enough! There is no way, no action, you can ever convince anybody that you really love them. The more we try to do, we are doing the contrary. Have you observed that. It’s happening in every relationship. Nobody wants to get hurt. They love each other, yet they are unable to convince each other. Isn’t this the problem in the world today? All the broken marriages, they do not really want to break. But they cannot live with them. Why? They are tired of convincing the other person that they really love them. And all that they do to convince that they really care for them, turns the other way around. Only way, is to be in this space. Only this is fairness. Otherwise all looks unfair. You can say God is really unfair. Either think that way, mercilessly takes everything away and floods the places. Everything falls, irrespective.

Whenever you want to see fairness, you are setting a standard in your mind and you want a feat to happen. I tell you it cannot happen all the time. I’m not saying it’s wrong to have a standard, it’s only fair to be i time. What I’m saying is this thought of fairness should not ferment inside you coz this raises a big question. And when this question stays fermented for a longer time, becomes violence. Behind every criminal the question of fairness comes. What is fair? This is not fair. That’s how it starts. This is not fair becomes ‘really unfair’. They start acting that way isn’t it. Don’t worry about what is fair and unfair. Relax and do whatever you can. You have to live in a world which is so diverse, so many different type of people are here. Their ideas are completely contradictory/opposite. Some are interested in rebirth, some are interested in death, some in happiness, some sorrow. There is variety in this world. You have to live amidst that. In this world there are many thieves/robbers and so is the police department. Just imagine there are not thieves/robbers… why should there be a police department. There is suffering so there is kindness and compassion and help. Completely opposite and they do exist… they co-exist. Just re understand this and we becomes fair to our self. And our mind comes in tune.

So our daily life we can live with a smile form inside. Why do we live, what we want. You’ll see all that we want is happiness. And the whole life we prepare to be happy and we are never happy. It’s like making bed all night and having no time to sleep. If you just take statistics. One third we spend in our beds, 10 years in the dining table, in the bathroom say 3 hours that adds to another 10 years. On the freeway/road… how much? Working/earning money 25-30. So how many have we lived with a smile, with love, with joy. You’ll maybe calculate 3 years? (laughter) But if you are aware, if your heart is open, you can see every moment you can live in that moment/in the knowledge. No matter what you’re doing, you don’t have to get away from all this and sit in some mountain, some monastery… no no. You can be doing your work, do all you want to do and maintain that inner awareness.

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