Murder of English … Chetan Haria

Murder of English … Chetan Haria
See, how people write leave Applications.
It’s murder of English language. But Too Funny.
Just Read It.

The Leave Applications;)

Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave.”

This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son:
“as I want to shave my son’s head , please leave me for two days..”

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding:
“as I am marrying my daughter , please grant a week’s leave..”

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please grant me 10 days leave.”

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave”

An incident of a leave letter:
“I am suffering from fever , please declare one-day holiday.”

A leave letter to the headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
“As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day.”

Covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”

Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below…”

Actual letter written for application of leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.

Letter writing:-
“I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

A candidate’s job application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.”

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Aircraft Gripe Sheet Humour … from Taz

Aircraft Gripe Sheet Humour … from Taz
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last …
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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ART Excel Malvern 19th – 25th August 2010

Pictures are on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=262919&id=500304440

Thursday 19/08/2010 – Pack, busses to link with Viv. Get some junk in our tummies. Watch Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Busses to Ameet’s listening to Vive la Fete remixes album. It’s just too good man! Ameet has guests so listen to a dentist convo. Read a pre-published version of a book.

Friday 20/08/2010 – Drive to Letchworth. Such a beautiful area man, Ameet was at work so Khushbu and I check out the area. I check into a library to send you guys the weekly blog. Langar for lunch at the local Gurudwara. Drop by a frame shop where Ameet was sorting out his and Khushbu’s wedding picture and one with Guruji in it. Read. Drive to Malvern. Hellos and all. My boy Soham has moved up from the ART Excel course to Yes! and my boy Alex moved up from Yes! to Yes! Plus. Hunt for my room… the Malvern St. James school is crazy… like the building I was staying in was a proper maze. Some of the rooms you get to through washing areas or another entrance. Glad to see some of last years ART Excel kids. Ryan hooks me up with Ferrero Rocher. Lol him and Timin remembered how much I loved chocolate. Timin’s dad had told me earlier that he’s gonna hook me up. Debrief with other teachers and assistants. Now I had also paid to do the Eternity Process so link with Katie to discuss when she can fit me in. Head ART Excel teach Su said I can’t take time off while the ART Excel course is on so Katie was like it’s better I do it during dinner and satsang as I’ll need time after that to recover. It didn’t happen but will get to it in the next few days. Hunt for food and drink. Unpack. Read.

Saturday 21/08/2010 – Had a dreamy long Kriya. Something about brekkie fruit. And something about hair mess… I think the pics will explain better. (Shit just deleted the notes about todays processes but it was the usual… meet kids, make them fill forms and make their ART Excel books). Oh yeah we played footie and Benjamin tried to score but my foot saved it but the kick was so hard it twisted my ankle right. Now I’m limping around and start hunt for pain killers, ankle support or deep heat at lunch time. Finally find Fatima… ask her to hook me up and she shows me 2 doctors. I tell the doctors my problem and here’s what they tell me… we didn’t bring anything with us so go to boots. !?!?!?! Jai hippocratic oath. I didn’t wanna bother Fatima more as her and Deepak organised the whole thing this time and they had bigger fish to fry. Everyday kids do a day chart for what we did in the morning and afternoon. Kids were hyper man… usually we don’t allow junk or chocolate but the cafeteria had hot chocolate and the kids were bouncing off the walls after lunch. Usually making them play footie or something after lunch does the trick but this time it didn’t work. Now when I saw the registrations for our course I noticed 3 brothers in the course and was like oh boy hope it doesn’t get crazy… man it was more than crazy. One bro Harrison was deaf so he needed a hearing aid and we gotta face him when speaking so he can lip read. Harrison was VERY violent and disruptive. Then there was Benjamin who has autism but what a wicked dude always high fiving everyone. Ben was like a BFG (a term I learnt there which means Big Friendly Giant). And there was Gregory who was normal and cool and stood up for Ben whenever Harrison bugged him. Harrison called Ben a retard and Ben walked off. That was not the first time… Ben, Harisson and Greg would be walking off a lot. Harrison asks me about smoking and what I smoke and stuff like that which I didn’t take too seriously till the next few days. We decide to hike up the Malverns (hills). Ria and Peter hit it off so well talking about geeky things and they were like in their on nerd world which was sooooo romantic lol. I tried to get a vid of it but the audio is not all that.

Ben runs off again and we send Ryan to get him back. One of the rules was stick with the group… as long as you can see each other you’re fine. It was so funny coz brothers Timin and Shaan wanted to go with Ryan too but Su said no and you could see them inching faster and faster till they disappeared too. So 4 kids lost… we were kinda freaked and decided to take a bit of a shortcut to see from higher ground. My ankle was killing but I managed. Oh then there was Aarjav who asked really dumbass questions just for attention and Su flipped and had a lil moment with him. Kids behaved after that. Some dude tells us that 4 kids were shouting for Su and finally we see the lost crew. They join us, have a lil discussion about responsibility etc. Ben apologised but he wanted to show he was best as he loves hiking. We all go to the top. Pics and amazing views and etc. Slip and crew up my ankle even more.

Get to class and change. Timin hooks me up with chocolates. He’s become crafty but it’s nice to see he’s entrepreneurial. Our bed had After Eight chocolates and he decided to collect them for me and says I owe him some so we negotiate. I think he’s been getting pocket money too as every time he’d be like lets go buy this and that or whatever we needed for the games and processes he’d be like we can buy it here and there. Dinner. Debrief. Note: I hardly see the other teachers or assistants sitting with the kids and for me thats when you can do some real work coz it’s smaller groups and more personal. My usual questions are what time they sleep, what they eat and what they watch and take it from there. Since it was a mega meet of courses from adults Part 1 and 2 and yoga and meditation and both the Yes! courses we all gather in the Part 2 course hall for satsang. It was such an awkward satsang. Khushbu and I kept laughing at folks fighting for the microphone just to sing a satsong nobody else was interested in singing along or that was really bad singing. Join with the kids in The Hex, which is where we do the ART Excel course and one of the rooms has a foosball, table-tennis and pool table. This time round I told the folks I’ll take care of the kids till 10 and then send them to their rooms. So did that and the kids ended up in Peter’s room making a racket with their own versions of X Factor and the like. Read. For some reason I thought I fell asleep at 12 but it was just 10.30 or something.

Sunday 22/08/2010 – Priyanka’s mom brings her dog Tonka over so kids play while my group (the Ninjas) do Saturday afternoon chart. Decide a play and sort out auditions. Ben walked out to write a whole list of plays to do which were basically movies and our criteria was 1 – a part for everyone, 2 – fitting the story in 10 minutes, 3 – realistic or something something. Play dog and the bone. Harrison walks off. Ryan tries to get him back but didn’t work and to our amazement Ryan sat down and did the Victory breath (for anger, sadness, fear). I followed Harrison and found him 3 times so those are my 3 strikes coz he walked off again. Debbie found him in a bush and I was like wow dude does not want to be found. Kids learn their Kriya (Happy breath). Now the food was not all that satvic and after a while we noticed it gave us gas big time. The good part was it was sooooo much gas that it was not vibrating bootie noisy gas it was more like blowing cigarette smoke gas. But some of the kids were leaving some very smelly ghosts. An amazing teacher from New Zealand (Parul) visits us. See I was sharing a room with Suresh and we saw Parul’s name on our room too and we’re like thats the first time they’ve mixed accommodation but thats coz someone thought Parul was a guy. She was so natural with the kids and wow the way she handled them and answered dodgy questions etc. Anyway swimming time now and I forgot my trunks so Suresh was like we’ll do it in our boxers but then Ryan hooked me up with his dads spare ones.

Do a trust walk where we blindfold one kid and another kid is entrusted to take them around kinda thing. Quick dinner so we can get back to The Hex and sort out our costumes and props for the play. Oh yeah we decided on The giraffe, pelly (Pelican) and me. Satslang? I’m sure I put slang for a reason but can’t remember but yeah once again another awkward satsang and this time quite a few of us refused to carry on we just closed our eyes and meditated while whoever was interested carried on clapping or singing. Lol we stayed silent till the song changed and then when Josh got on the mic we blew up… and just then the dude that was playing Djembe played a garba beat so I went to give him props and he handed me the chair and djembe. See some singers and DJs need to realise when theres audience participation you have to do familiar easy to follow stuff not what your favourite. Alex comes to me like ‘I’ve finally met someone that high fives more than me’ talking about Benjamin. Birthday celebrations and cake… chocolate again. I can’t believe this man we need some rules and discipline… I mean I love breaking the rules but not if it’s going to interfere with the amazing bliss you’re gonna feel. Debrief. Read.

Monday 23/08/2010 – Wake late. Oh man totally forgot to add the other mornings when my ankle was twisted the swelling was like a golf ball. Then the other bit was Suresh was amazing not only would he wait for me to go for yoga and short Kriya every morning but he was amazing with the kids and strict when needed to be. I was not please with the other two as just like the kids making their own groups these two did the same and they were more into each other than helping with the kids. It seriously felt like they didn’t exist. Sorry but thats the facts! I guess coz they were older ladies or … I don’t know just need to give myself a good excuse for why they were so passive! And today is the day I needed them most. Anyway back to the day. Miss yoga and just do Kriya and usual and I kept going into amazing trances… coz of my ankle I was sitting on a chair and would just about catch myself every time I was about to flop. Now at brekkie another thing I’d do with the kids and steal food of their plate if they were not alert or make them get me stuff or even not take too much on my plate and finish whoever couldn’t finish theirs. This time I think I wanted cocopops and was making Thomas (the cutest kid on the course) do it for me. He got up from the chair and he’s like I’m not gonna be here to do this for you all the time, you have to grow up some time! Man he was too cool… he’s from France too so we’d talk French and he’s pretty gangsta man. His mom told me the girls couldn’t make it this year but they say hi and I was like oh please talk to me some more, her accent was mesmerising. Prep for the play. And I’m even giving the lady assistants eyes to help me but they’re just AHHHHHHHH…. See I was producer of the play and getting these guys to focus for even a minute was good enough but I needed help to maintain the ones that calmed down so we could carry on. The YES! crew invite us to join them but before that we do my groups chart. Yes! crew have their own building and they don’t even join the rest for satsang… they do their own thing man. We learnt something like rocks, paper and scissors from them which was giants, wizards and elves. Play splat with them. Yes! go back while we play the 3 legged race. The cutest couple were Thomas and Priyanka coz they were the smallest and I was teaching them the trick and they’re the only ones that got it asap. Lunch. Rehearse play. Go to old peoples home to do the play, Sun salutations and sing… OH YEAH… sing! Trisha taught the kids an Italian number while I got to teach them Kalinka, a Russian number and the russian leg kicking dance. I was so jazzed about that. Get back to class and do the cut the past and shut the future process. In a way the future is more a sneaky way to tell their parents to behave themselves and sometimes parents will shout at kids and say ‘you always leave a mess’ when they should not turn it into an always thing if you know what I mean. Art Excel game which is more like British bulldog. Ben won… at one point we were trying to get Harrison and I didn’t even realise the way I’d caught him I was actually choking him. Sorry :oS. Rehearse but it’s getting crazy man and Harrison was doing his usual getting violent with folks… and with him and Ryan it was more of an alpha male thing as Ryan knew the stuff and was good at it coz of last year. This time round Ryan wasn’t having it and had to show Harrison who the boss was… I was pulling Harrison off and Su had Ryan but Ryan’s feet were closer to us and he roundhoused Harrison soooooo hard… we thought Harrison’s head would do an Exorcist on us… total silence! The only time I’ve seen a kick like that is with Yoshimitsu on Tekken. After that the other 2 brothers stuck around with Ryan and Ben was even like you’re the coolest Ryan. While Aarjav and his bro Avik stuck with Harrison and kinda entertained Harrison’s behaviour. I wasn’t surprised about Aarjav that way and it was so hard to tell the parents he was a good boy when I wanted to tell them the truth but in the end Su is the head teach and I didn’t want my say to clash with hers. I just feel for Harrison’s mom coz she was on silence and had to break it. Harrison had this attention grabbing down so well he had 6 adults giving him all the attention he wanted for a few hours and when he was fed up he was like ‘you may go now’. Anyway after a while Ryan and Harrison are buds playing sport again. Rehearse. Dinner.

Take props and costumes in the Sri Sri Yoga room and face paint kids. Chill and mess around. Oh and while we were deciding what else to present to the rest of the people there Thomas does these amazing stunts on the diabolo… check out the vid… only way to explain it. I want a kid like that! While Ryan did the caterpillar… he’s pretty good at breakdance. It’s show time so we join the rest for satsang and can’t remember the order … it was something like do a song, Thomas does his diabolo thing, do the play. Now I was backstage trying to keep things in order and all the boys were trippin over Priyanka… thing is she liked the attention. See she plays the Dukes wife and Ryan the duke and they had romantic innuendo going on too. At one point Priyanka was like she has feelings for me and I was like hey I have feelings for me too! Anyway so while these guys were going nuts back stage I had to keep them away from her and at the same time keep the cast ready for their time on stage. Then we do the Italian song and my Russian Kalinka song… I got to make the adults dance too and it gets faster and harder as the dance carries on but the adults were such good sports lol. More chocolate cake.

Debrief in Debbie’s… man she had a room and a half… since it was a girls school we got the girls rooms which were pretty big and had like 3 spare beds and what not but Debbie’s looked like a teacher room with micro, oven, tv, kettle… basically a house in the building! Talk and we were told Carolina donated her money so that some of the kids could do the course for free. Props! And Debbie describes her as a blond Angelina Jolie too! Guruji has agreed for the course fees to be reduced for ART Excel. Just hope UK Board hook it up. Pack and chat with Suresh… he shows me a vid of Guruji’s visit with someone in MTV and Guruji is shooting at someone with something like giant paintballs and then goes for a ride in a Smart car version of a Formula 1. And in the end the driver is stuck with his seatbelt so Guruji’s like here let me release you and frees the guy. Might put it up on here.

Tuesday 24/08/2010 – Man there was this white pigeon or dove thing just chillin with eyes closed so I thought I’d go chill with it and it didn’t even wake up or anything so I started petting it and it didn’t realise till after a while, woke up and just tried to walk away a few steps to avoid my hand so I moved closer and it just wont run away or fly away… ended up hiding inside a bush. That was yesterday… today tried to wake it up and poor thing just stayed still. RIP white pigeon dove thing. Anyway so Soham and Vatsal hook me up with a mocha latte. Simona came over to our class to play the violin for the kids… can’t believe some of the kids remembered from last year that the string thing was made from horse hair. And this other dude did some acting thing… wasn’t paying attention and didn’t even get to take vids or pics coz I was helping with the charts that were still left to do. Parents come over to see what we’ve been teaching the kids and show that youtube of when the kid silenced the world. Parents leave, do the painting meditation and this time we got to do our own drawings or paintings too. Around this time I tell Ria what I do and she was so interested and kept asking me or telling me what she does and how she takes pictures of her sis and edits them etc… I was like wow you sound like you really enjoy it so keep doing it. If you were in London I’d have talked to your folks about giving you Photoshop lessons. Snacks and drinks. Now everyday the school staff would bring like 2 crates of fruit with cereal bars and 4 packs of juice. But no one was having it apart from me… I know it was for the students but they weren’t having it and one of my rules is ‘be shameless when it comes to food’. So my pockets always had cereal bars and well I was drinking enough water but whenever I got bored … there was the juice! ;o) Play heroes and compliments but some of the kids weren’t having it… by the end of it I realised one of the boys that had stayed in the background was really the best one in the class, so big up Peter. I mean Ryan was my inside man this year since Soham moved to Yes! and Thomas my stepson :oP Lunch. Goodbyes. Get props from Ben, Greg and Harrison’s mom, Thomas’ mom, Timin and Shaan’s pops and Priyanka’s mom. It was so weird coz when we start the course we have to sign this crap about not being alone with kids without parents around or something and no holding them so I guess the others were being cautious but I didn’t care man… kids need as much affection, love and nurturing as they can get. Like those few moments when the shy ones get out of their shell… it’s so amazing to see them blossom and you need to be off your guard for that to happen because thats the best time to remind them how much they can shine. I remember Moksha (already an amazing name) was shy and even though she made friends easily she was different. Her accent and pronunciations and in a way buggin with repeating the same stuff or questions but when she let her guard down one lunch time I told her to be aware of how great she’s feeling at that moment and not to let the kids bug her out. Kids can be brutally honest and sometimes it gets much right but use that same freedom they’re using to be you kinda thing. Ok I’ll stop ranting.

Help Katie pack… I’ll be going back to hers for the Eternity Process since we didn’t get to do it there. Beata and Miho will be following us and they get some water from the source. Drop by organic food shop and Katie is hungry as hell. I was just plain tired. Along the way back some weird stuff happened and I’m sure Katie was doing it. See when I sleep sometimes I jerk but just lil ones here and there. Then I did the Sahaj Samadhi meditation with Su and during the meditation I got big jerks and Su explained that impressions were being released. So I got used to that… but in the car this time round I was getting JERKS! Like such gangsta spasms my hands nearly hit the roof of the car. More than twice this happened so I kinda freaked out and stayed awake. I don’t even know why I freaked out coz releasing impressions is a good thing. Aaaaanywho… Get to Katie’s and what a magical place. Again part of me freaked out coz add this up… a lovely charming sweatheart of a lady living in the country side in a very old but well maintain house, amazingly big garden that joins onto a field with sheep etc. You know those magical Narnia kinda stories where you’re so charmed by everything it feels like too good to be true and imagine you’re gonna be locked up any second so that you can be fed to be plumped up just so you can be the meal (for those that don’t get it … Hansel and Gretle). So yeah that flashed my mind for a second but then again I was charmed by the plums and berries and apples and artichokes growing in her garden. Swing bench. Forget all that… I didn’t even know how gorgeous an artichoke flower looks. You know me and trees so the trees def did it for me… and there was this one tree that had spikes but the spikes on the end of each stem changes colour (pics will tell a better story). Su comes over to leave her bike and stuff while she’s in Italy. We have dinner and stories etc. Su leaves and Gordon starts playing guitar. We start having a satsang and Katie gives us pots, pans, spoons etc to play percussion. Have so much fun and laughs. Crazy dreams. Note: I have a feeling some folks have been doing long Kriya more than once a week, the symptoms are there! Lol.

Wednesday 25/08/2010 – Wake up and Katie and Beata gang up on me about the walls I’ve put up and … well the rest is for my private notes ;oP but wow Beata read my energy so well she even said stuff I’ve thought about and discussed only with Twinx, Taz and Nikita. We decide I was not ready for the Eternity Process till after I get regular with my short Kriya and instead Beata works on me with some other stuff and wow she pinched the hell out of the flesh on my lower back… I don’t know what she did but she’s like after I’ve finished stay lying down for a while and get up when you’re ready… I was not ready for a longgg time man… and after that as I type I’m still in a bit of a daze. Then again the stuff she told me kinda blew my mind too. And she kept wishing me happy birthday so I guess it was like a rebirth or something? Hell to celebrate that change I was planning on chopping my hair off but I still have plans for that. Oh and speaking of change, you know how you see signs… check this out… my main man Naruto changes the world in the episode that will be out tomorrow. Was listening to Eminem’s new album and he’s flipped the script on us too which was really nice … hell he’s even got a song called Going Through Changes or something like that. This book I’ve been reading has been an answer to the questions I’ve had and about crazy changes or like the knowledge in there was just so timely it was like…. wow. Anyway so since I’ve been good for these days I’ve decided to carry on with practices and see how much longer I can stop meat this year. I just hate telling folks I’ve stopped coz thats right about the time when I start again kinda thing and … I better finish this blog coz it’s getting late.

So … next …. Katie had been telling me about Biodynamics which is a step higher than organic food and stuff… I’ll try post that next to this post so you can check it out. Took info on other stuff like why Ghee is so good etc. Her area has a few places that do that, her area has a lot of Scientolog-ists too. So get back to hers after shopping at one of these places. I see a deer in the back and try to get a pic of it but I have a face and they recognise that as a threat I guess. Ayurvedic cooking. Katie does my numerology and again another sign. Not only that but the repeating numbers. 17.17, 8.8. Over heard Gordon on the phone talking about Prison SMART and that’s something I wanted to get into and since Viv started work in prisons I was just discussing that with him the week before! Catch the train to London, back in the crowd and city life and noise at home. Still so dazed it didn’t matter. Hell all I did tomorrow was float with a weird headache spending time with my lappy. Note: I’m starting to like the tense of the last sentence as I’m writing about tomorrow which would in this current moment be the past. Gotta explore that ;o) Jai Gurudev.

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Lost Cat!!!! … from Reens (Every Graphic Designer has to see this)

Lost Cat!!!! … from Reens (Every Graphic Designer has to see this)
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

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Mom Call/Preacher Man

Mom Call/Preacher Man
Just called mom she’s like chill I want someone to pray on you. OK? Dude’s like put the phone on your head. I’m at work Monday morning still waking up, Christina’s cleaning the joint and I’m with a phone on my head not saying a word! That’s not the funny but… he finishes praying and hangs up on me. !!!!!!!!!!

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