Bill Burr Equal Pay & Rights

Paras note: While transcribing I had to censor the swearing.
She thinks the world owes her a round of drinks because she has a vagina … ‘you’re going to treat me like a queen even though I’m a complete douchebag’. Didn’t know about the wage gap because I’m not nosy. What you got a dick or vagina, oh yeah, so what do you make? Did the feminists just call the IRS ‘hi, I’m from imsickofit.org can we get the juice on everybody’. I don’t care, I only care as much as women care about prostate cancer. I have my own pile of rocks to drag up the hill and I’m supposed to take some out of her bag and she takes none out of mine?

Overly simplistic examples. A guy and a woman make banana splits, she makes less. Same scoops, same potentially cancer causing cherries, ‘oh this needs to stop’. But if you keep the film going you’d watch the guy ask out the girl and he has to pay for the whole night! Drinks, parking, gas, movies… did I do a good job? SLAM! Her belly is full and she kept all her banana split making money! Meanwhile the guy was haemorrhaging cash soon as he started the car. He should have just rubbed one out, taken a long weekend, watched Fast and Furious and he’d have been ahead of the game.

If women make the same, you need to adjust EVERYTHING! Fellas you remember you were 8 and you got everything. Cheeseburgers, movies, etc. Women get to still live that life. Oh it’s cold in here, well lets get you a jacket. You can almost see the money flying out of your wallet with every idea they have that we have to finance for some reason. Mom’s coming to town lets take her to a good restaurant because she never treats herself… ffffrrrrrrrr (sound of money flying out). Oh I don’t know it’s like I like the kitchen but I don’t like the kitchen… fffffrrrrrr. Like a woodchipper.

How many married guy know another UPS truck is coming down the street. NO KEEP GOING! AHHHHHH! She’s going to leave me destitute and she’s going to get mad at me for it. I know the guys name! It’s Al! Best case scenario is that she’s fucking him. Oh it’s not for me, what a surprise, but the bill always is. You got another package. Her: Oh yeah, I saw it online, we didn’t have anything over there so we have the couches with the pillow, thought it would be nice, we could do this or do that, probably have to throw it out when we move to the next place, you don’t like it… WHY? No I respect you, I remember the discussion, I bought it before, theres just one other thing, you don’t like it, ok, I’ll send it back. (Starts crying) Just trying to make this place nice. Soon as she starts crying it’s over. Shhhhhh, JUST GROW UP!

Lesbians would immediately be brought up to guy banana split making money times 2. Explains the moodiness and shirt selections. They’re getting royally screwed over. Gay guys are having too much fun. They’re shredded, clothes are glowing, eyebrows are shaped up, always in a good mood. Go to the juice bar, I got it, no I got it, give each other ‘tugs’ over it.

It’s not my fault that women allowed themselves to get into this position. It’s 2016 you don’t have any excuse. Time to treat you like adults. We’re not putting the jacket on the puddle any more, take your shoes off and walk through it or go around it. I do this bit and no woman wants me afterwards.

Ladies do you think a woman should get paid what a guy gets paid? Between men and women who is smarter? Women? Based on what? Think about your day and your amazing adventures, hot water, planes, trains, automobiles… all the things a man invented. You still think you’re smarter? I know you sowed a flag a couple of hundred years ago. Are you working on releasing something later this year? It’s been quite some time. I’m just messing with you.

So you say women are smarter, thats unbelievably sexist of you. I never said men are smarter. You should have said everyone brings something to the table. Everything on TV says women are smarter. You have a multitasking brain, spreadsheets, talk and listen at the same time. I’m just a guy, I look at something and I say I like that. I like things I look at and I’m going to keep looking at it because I like it and if I don’t like it I look away. Would you like a slice of pizza? Oh I like that too, now I don’t know what to look at, overload.

So here’s my question ladies. If you’re so smart how are you losing to that? You see guys happy and high-fiving over buffalo wings. ALL DAY! What is stopping you with your higher powered brain linking up with another women with a ‘higher powered brain’ coming up with something that builds equity and you dictate your own price. What is stopping you? (Woman shouts, he can’t hear her). The female voice doesn’t travel well, can a guy yell out what she said? She said she owns her own constructions company. Yay so one woman. Women applauded that so what are you complain about? Evidently you’re running your own business so why you complaining?

Here’s the deal. At the end of the day why you don’t hook up with each other is because you don’t get along with each other. Generally speaking. Soon as someone is going well, rather than getting a business card and try to meet up. More like ‘f**** b****, she probably chews and spits, she thinks she’s so ….’. Why wont you get a business card and help sell things. Guys have been doing that for years. Put a beautiful woman across and the guy thinks if I buy that I get that too. I’m going to buy that. You’re supposed to be inspiring instead of just one woman who owns her own business. We die 8 years before you, I don’t hear anybody on the woman’s side saying that it’s terrible and we should even that out.

There is a bunch of info out there for guys to make women’s lives better but no info on how to make his life better. I have a easy thing for you to do because we’re very simple. How about 4 times a year. Once a season. Without your guy asking, go in the kitchen, make him a sandwich, give him a beer, don’t say a word and just leave! Thats it, probably take you 5 minutes. I’m not saying women belong in the kitchen. A toddler can do it, take two slices of bread, two handfuls of pre-murdered meat … that I paid for ffffrrrrrr. Mustard on it. And leave, and when I say leave I mean leave. Get in the car and drive away, take the kids.

Don’t go in the next room and stand there for 8 minutes and poke your head back in ‘how was it, does it taste good? Ok, because the back yard needs to be cleaned, don’t yell at me’. None of that stuff, just leave. You have no idea what it would mean to us. You want to see your man get emotional? Make him a sandwich that he didn’t ask for. That’s like us getting flowers out of nowhere just because we love you. You make him a sandwich he didn’t ask for he’s going to have to dry the tears with the bread. Calling up is friend crying ‘I didn’t even ask for it… and then… she just left (inaudible) swear I did not cheat on her’.

Quick story. We bought a house and by we I mean I paid for it. She’s scoping out the house and I’m looking at the garage/basement so that I can’t do what I want to do I’ll go out here. Doing some hard work and my wife out of nowhere, she made me a sandwich. Cut it in half diagonally, which is love. (Paras note: I feel bad for Western men). If they don’t cut it in half they might as well frisbee it like ‘here you go you piece of crap, hose yourself off before you come inside you should live out here’. Cut it in half, put fredos in the middle which I love, poured me an ice cold beer. She did that FIVE years ago, to this day every now and then I’ll think about it. Remember that time she made me that sandwich? It was unbelievable! She gave me the beer that I bought, it was fucking nuts. I felt like a king. The only way to describe to women how that feels to a guy… did you ever see Shawshank Redemption? You know that scene where the prisoners are drinking beer on the roof of the prison… THATS WHAT IT FELT LIKE. Sun on my face, drinking some suds… the only thing missing was Morgan Freeman’s voice narrating ‘and for 20 minutes Bill Burr felt like a free man’.