Secrets on Men and How to Bring Out the Best in Them: Alison Armstrong (Summary)

Summary:

– Bring the same thinking you have at work when it comes to partnership in working. Have an open state of mind which is not about productivity but more about connectivity.

– Women interrupt to feel connected but that diminishes the return.

– Open state of mind from both sides will help you bring out the best and SEE how the other side connects.

– When a man is focused and getting something done, an interruption will hurt. And then the woman gets mad. And then intimacy is gone which means the sex is not as close and eventually the sex disappears.

– Story of how she was talking about so many different subject and doing other things at the same time until her partner shouted that she was not listening and she was disrespecting him when all she thought she was doing it getting it done and being efficient. So she was expecting him to listen to her while she was all over the place.

– A mistake woman makes (and men with low testosterone) is think that if a person knows how upset they are about an expectation not being met – that person will work harder to meet it. So when a woman is disappointed, right or furious about something that should have happened or something that should never happen, their go to is to get it into the other person’s head. “I’m going to tell you how upset I am about this and you’re going to stand there and listen to it.” While for the man is to do the right thing no matter how they feel. So it is disgusting to men to appease someone who is upset instead of carrying on doing what needs to be done and aligns with their value, time, resources, energy, etc. Men will only change their response if they feel dependent on her. And men who are dependent on women are gross to women.

– So women lose respect for men when they give into her rampage. (Alison talks about how she tricked women my holding a teleclass called ‘Using anger to get what you need’ to tell the women who attended that it doesn’t work.)

– Women scan for strength – providers, protectors, make babies with, mentor in some way.
Men scan for strength in a competitive way, but not just as competitors. They’re scanning for strengths like a team leader or the leader of the hunt. Specifically, they’re scanning for complimentary strength. They’re looking for teammates that will expand their own possibilities in the game. Women not knowing this when they pick each other will criticise him for not having her strengths. Mutual admiration that ‘you think of things that I would never think of‘.

– The culture of equality has turned it into a competition that we’re better than men. And we wonder why we can’t find someone to marry well because we keep proving to him that he’d be stupid to marry me, I’m going to criticize him for the rest of your life for not being like me’.

– She thinks to win she has to prove to others she’s smarter than her boss. Which is an issue of trust and loyalty. Instead of thinking as I rise, I will pull others with me.

– If relationships are based on dependency, they’re yucky and if they’re not based on dependence then nobody will put up with a lot of other yucky things.

– Change your thinking: What if no one’s misbehaving? What if all the people you know care about you, that you get so upset with are always giving you their best interpretation of what they heard you say. (Basically what if you didn’t look for bad intent in others mistakes.)

– Men get placated or easy so quickly if the communication is right. Only ask a man a question that you’re willing to wait for the answer for. After you ask the question, start counting to 30. And most men will speak up at around 18. Most women can’t wait and then rephrase or start putting on the pressure. If you’re asking about feelings it can take 3 days. Rephrasing the question throws him off as he’s still preparing to deliver the answer to the first one. And then you realise you don’t even really care what he thinks in the first place. (Alison said that this is the #1 thing that has changed their relationships.) If he stops talking, start counting again and he’ll say more.

– Any time you shift to being on a team – men will do more, go further, etc. So if you want to be on the same time learn to listen and understand men crave to be in a team or the same team.

– When mansplaining came along, men closed up as all they’re trying is to be understood. What is there to be understood with what they’re saying. If you could have me understand anything about you, what would it be? I promise to take it seriously.

Summary:

– Men look for complementary strength so they pick you because they admire you and they want to be admired too… BECAUSE THEY ADMIRE YOU.

– Did your parent’s teach you to look for men you ‘like’? What do you like? Do you let him know? When you have children do you look forward to having them be like him?

– The next thing is not to emasculate him too much. Younger men will put up with a lot more than older when it comes to emasculation. A King type would rather be alone than get any kind of emasculation from a woman.

– Unhappy women keep trying to change him at his core. Then complaining about the same thing for years, shame or make fun of him. Which creates hostility and darkness in the relationship.

– All men a are dogs is a quote Alison attributes to frog farmers. The women who turn princes to frogs. If you do see them as dogs then see them as loyal, they want to be near you, do something for you and get appreciated.

– If a woman ever wants to know what a man means. Firstly, don’t go with aggressive energy but you can just go and ask him. Secondly, just look it up on the dictionary instead of going to everyone else to decipher it.

Summary:

– When you try to drive behaviour by focusing on what the man doesn’t do, you’re enforcing the bad behaviour. Paras note: I don’t know how many times I’ve told so many people this. Focus on and appreciate more of the behaviour you want and like.

5 Magical Words/The Language of Heroes
– Provide: Men have a natural drive to support and care for their people. So instead of complaining that rubbish wasn’t taken out, explain how it will make you happy and your feeling of cleanliness.
– Need: Connect your needs with what they can provide. E.g. I need you to listen to me before I tell you this.
– Help: Men will rarely say no to hearing someone needs help.
– Appreciation: Do this regularly and sincerely.
– Trust: Let go and have faith in them being their best selves.

– Sex is oversimplified. Men need to feel emotional connections, safe and clear signals. They need clear queues.

– Be self-aware. Know what you want and what your cover charges are. Set out clear expectations. “Pumpkin Hours” refer to specific times of day or physical/emotional states, when a person is too tired, stressed or unavailable for sexual intimacy and a request for sex would cause resentment. It is a proactive tool for couples to avoid rejection and inconsiderate timing, potentially including early morning or late nights.

– Letting down your guard will deepen intimacy and strengthen the relationship.

Summary:

12 Things Needed for Marriage

1. Respecting the Partner for Who They Truly Are. Not loving their potential … loving who they already are. Men interpret respect as love.
2. Appreciating Their Efforts. Noticing what they do builds devotion and inspires more generosity.
3. Speaking Needs Clearly. No tests, hints, or hoping they’ll guess. Clarity creates teamwork.
4. Receiving Graciously. Allowing love, help, gifts, and support. Receiving makes the giver feel valued.
5. Trusting Their Competence. Letting a partner lead sometimes. Trust communicates belief and respect.
6. Loyalty and Emotional Safety. A partner needs to feel safe sharing vulnerabilities without them being used later.
7. Honouring Masculine/Feminine Polarity. Not competing, correcting, or “teaching” the partner … but allowing each person to be their best self.
8. Understanding Commitment Instincts. Alison teaches that men and women experience commitment very differently, and honoring these differences is essential to long‑term marriage success.
9. Negotiating Clear Agreements (Deals That Work). Couples must learn how to create and keep agreements that reduce conflict and increase ease.
10. Addressing Predictable Conflicts Early. Conflicts become destructive only when ignored … addressed early, they strengthen intimacy.
11. Accepting Your Own Needs. Instead of shame or guilt, acknowledging personal needs makes relationships more sustainable and honest.
12. Building a Partnership Structure Based on Freedom, Hope, and Mutual Support. Alison emphasises partnership, not power struggles … giving each person room to win, contribute, and thrive.

9 Core Principles to Understand Men

1. Men Need Respect More Than Anything Else. Respect affects their sense of identity and willingness to give.
2. Clarity is Key … Men Respond to Clear, Direct Communication. Men genuinely try to answer literally and need clear requests.
3. Men Conserve Energy Due to “Hunter Instinct”. Short, minimal answers like “good” or “fine” are not distance … it is energy conservation.
4. Appreciation Unlocks Generosity. Being appreciated increases a man’s desire to give and provide.
5. Men Seek Complementary Strengths, Not Competition. They look for partnership, not rivalry.
6. Emotional Safety Determines How Much Men Open Up. If they feel attacked or emasculated, they shut down.
7. Testosterone Drives Men’s Behavior and Focus. Men are wired to prioritize productivity and problem‑solving.
8. Emasculation Happens Easily and Damages Connection. Criticism, correcting or dismissing efforts causes withdrawal.
9. Men Thrive When They Feel Admired and Needed. Admiration builds their identity and increases devotion.

Summary:

• Men will say things like ‘that’s it’ when they’ve finished talking so that is like a fullstop. After he’s listened you have to let them know you need a turn too.
• Men have a deep desire to be recognised for the hard work they’ve put in their character and being honourable. Even if it means leaving a woman who they love knowing they can’t honourably be the man for her.
• Men can’t see the details women see. Wise women just take care of it instead of the constant ‘what about the dust?’… ‘What dust’.
• Both sides see things others don’t which is a great combo.
• Women are organised around well-being while men are on protecting.
• Men screen for results and beauty.
• What sounds harsh to the woman is how the man talks.
• While women will want to connect regularly, say like when he’s working from home, men want peace and being focused on whatever they’re focusing on. Interrupting their productivity will interrupt their peace. To her ‘I just want to tell you something’, to him he feels it as ‘what you’re focusing on is not important’.
• When you ask a question, count internally until 30. They need the time to process and give back.
• When men open their legs, they feel safe around you. When they close their arms they’re just getting comfortable and it’s not to be read as they’re getting closed up.
• THEY DONT LIKE QUESTIONS! (Paras note: I say this all the time ‘more statements, less questions’.)
• You want something done, after giving the request use the word ‘provide’. This will provide me with so and so or could you do this so it will provide me with…
• Criticism doesn’t work on men the way it works on women. Women will change to accommodate. They won’t notice your frustration after the argument is ‘solved’.
• If he values you he will work on things that matter to you, it may not be immediate but it’s on the list to think about and figure out.
• A man will be single focused but he will invest in ‘learning you’. They’ll use tools for this too! (Paras note: If any guys need help with this let me know. I have all kinds of tools from tracker spreadsheets to other secrets I can’t share here.)

How to Treat Men Better – Alison Armstrong

Summary:

He’ll stay if

• If he thinks that he can give her what he thinks she needs, he’ll stick around. In other words – If he believes he can meet her NEEDS, he’ll stay.
• If the values are complementary, even if they’re not the same.
• Their futures are in the same direction.
• Communication in general is productive and identify/solve problems.
• Same team (she doesn’t make him the problem).
• She’s attractive to him (which women don’t understand at all).

Four Traits That Make Women Irresistibly Charming

• Self-competence.
• Authenticity (courage to be real).
• Passion. A shared passion will be great!
• Receptivity. Men want to give and NEED to be needed. They’ll jump hoops to please and impress her. If he doesn’t care or stopped caring… you need to worry. In a way they play for points or ‘good job’. Men can listen for longer if they don’t feel like it’s the usual complaining.

– Ask yourself if you can drop your ego enough to ask ‘Even if you can do it. Would you let a man do it?’ Like look for an excuse to find how the man is stronger than you and that you like it.

– Men start of treating a woman how they want to be treated and after a while, treat the woman how they have been treated by her. (So they are happy to become and reshape their lives until they get crafted into what the woman doesn’t want and he still get complains.)

– Alison asks how man women do they need to be around to feel as safe as they feel with one man.

– They need to get better at letting men provide and protect.

– Men want to be able to trust her. If he opens up about his needs and they’re brushed off/laughed at/discarded/stonewalled he can’t trust you. What are the important parts that both side needs that need trust? Even if it is things like ‘I can trust him to not be able to see that thing on the shelf right in front of his face because that is how it’s been and I accept it’.

– Women need to get better at communicating their needs. Alison say’s women come back with ‘what if I don’t know what I need?’ and she recommends asking ‘what quality do you want to be?’ THEN ‘what do you need to be that quality?’. One woman wanted a man to do something she didn’t tell him what she needed and when asked why she said ‘I can’t get over what I think about myself for needing that’. She might feel a spectrum of things – selfish, pathetic, selfish, self-centred, unevolved, immature, justified, reasonable, bothersome, annoying, entitled and deserved. She has to remember that she breathes life into or sucks life out of him. Alison says that she’s met women who act like they’re a better man than any man and more everything than a man.

9 Steps to Ask a Man What She Needs (Without Triggering Shutdown)

1. Check your motive: Confirm that your intention is to create connection and partnership, not to vent, correct, test, or prove a point. Men are extremely sensitive to hidden agendas; if the ask contains blame or pressure, it will fail.
2. Make sure it’s a good time: Ask permission first, rather than launching in: “Is now a good time to ask you about something?”
3. State observable facts only: Describe what happened, without interpretation, emotion, or story. Men process information literally; facts keep them present.
4. Name the impact on you (briefly): Share the result, not a flood of feelings: “When that happens, I end up feeling disconnected.” This gives him context without making him responsible for your emotional regulation.
5. Identify the need behind the feeling: Translate emotion into a clear need: Appreciation, Time, Information, Reassurance, Support. His ability to respond depends on clarity.
6. Make a specific, doable request: Not a demand. Not a hint. A clear ask with observable behaviour: What, By when, How often (if relevant).
7. Remove pressure from the request: Let it be okay for him to say no, ask questions, or counter‑offer. Pressure triggers male withdrawal; choice invites engagement.
8. Wait without interrupting: After asking, be silent. Don’t re‑explain, Don’t justify, Don’t rescue him from thinking. Men think internally before answering. Silence is respect.
9. Acknowledge and appreciate any response: Even if the answer isn’t what you hoped for, acknowledge the effort to engage: “Thank you for thinking about that.” Appreciation reinforces safety and future willingness.

– Men will close up to a woman to betrays him by telling others about him or uses his information against him. Women will teach honest men that it’s not worth it. Don’t tell me the truth, scowl face when he speaks his truth. Celebrate his honesty no matter what reaction you have.

– Stop interrupting a man or answering for him. You have to give him time to digest and construct his response. Apart from respect, he needs peace! His peace is taken from him when he can’t complete his loop. He’ll stop engaging or be on the offence which she’s blame him for. Single focus is peace.

– When men want attention, they’ll even look for bad attention.

– Talks about phases of emasculating a man. Starting with men not doing anything right or they’re stupid. So women will make excuses in their head before emasculating the man. Then they’ll use that to justify the process. Then they’ll show the man they’re not happy and in the start a man might work towards making her happy but then he’ll see what she’s doing and go the opposite way.

– How much more productive have men been when you take care of them? Because they don’t expect it, remember they always feel like they’re the disposable male that has to give their life if or when needed.

– Men show appreciation by take and use. You made something, they took it and used it.

Bonus:
How to Talk to Men and Women
Making Marriage Work: Based on Scientific Studies (Summary) – Dr. John Gottman