Making Marriage Work: Based on Scientific Studies (Summary) – Dr. John Gottman

Main points below video

Bonus: The 36 Questions That Lead to Love

There are masters in the relationships and there are disasters with with in 15 minutes of observing their interactions Dr. Gottman can tell which relationships are not going to last. 85% accuracy to predict divorce and even when.

The 5:1 Ratio
5 Positive to 1 negative interactions is where marriages stay together. When you do something negative it’s good to do 5 positive things to make up for it. While 0.8:1 – So 8 positive to 10 negative is where couples divorced.

A rich relationship climate has affection, humour, fun, intimacy and empathy. When you do this the ratio goes up 20:1.

The positive of the bad bits is that it points out where each partner has things they don’t like or need to work on. The distance and then getting close is better than things being fine or perfect all the time.

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

1. Criticism: It tells your partner that they’re defective. Disasters would say ‘you just talking about yourself, don’t ask about me. What is wrong with you?’. The masters would say it from their point of view ‘I don’t feel good when you don’t ask about me as I listen to you talk about your day’. Masters accept responsibility of the problem even it’s not fully their fault.
2. Defensiveness:
   • Righteous indignation – by facing the complaint with a counter complaint.
   • Innocent victim – whining.
3. Disrespect/Contempt: You put yourself on a podium above the other. Name-calling is the best example. You’re being a jerk. Masters create a culture of appreciation.
4. Stonewalling: A good listener gives signals and give hums and ah. A stone-waller doesn’t react, looks away, closed body language.

Important Principles in Making Marriage Work

1. Friendship: This is the most important and has 3 ingredients. A very important thing happens when this is strong which is called Positive Sentiment Override where the partner will not react to small issues even if you say it in an angry way but in Negative Sentiment Override the partner has a chip on their shoulder and will be more reactive even when you say it in a nice way.
   • Love Maps: Internal roadmap of your partners inner psychological world. Who are the main people in your partners world? What are your partners hopes, values and dreams? What’s going on with your partner internally? Ask open ended questions like how are you thinking about your job now, how do you see the next 5 years, etc.
   • Fondness and Admiration: In tiny ways masters find ways to say that I really admire you and appreciate you. You have to express it even if it’s trivial things.
   • Bids for Emotional Connection and Turning Towards: Oh look at the bird – turning away is not even looking and just doing your thing, basic turning toward would be looking and going ‘hmmm’ and a very enthusiastic turn would be ‘wow, we don’t see those often, we should look for more on a hike’. Remember the probability of re-bidding diminishes if the bid is ignored and 0% or rebidding in newlyweds who end up divorcing while 0.22% or turning towards a rebid ended up in long-term relationships. So you don’t even need to turn to those many bids to keep the relationship going.
2. Having a sense of humour and affection: When dealing with conflict this is important and is also a basis of good sex, romance and passion.
3. Conflicts/Perpetual Problems: Most couples are fighting about the same thing over years. You have automatically inherited your set of quarrels when you get in a relationship. Cleanliness, what to eat, money seem to be the big ones. Sometimes perpetual problems end up in a gridlock where neither wants to budge and the best way to deal with the standstill is to move from gridlock to dialogue. Look underneath the words to their philosophy and need for power, caring, love, their ideals of home. When it’s opened you see inside is a life dream. When that is understood, a stubborn stance is suddenly seen as oh I would not budge too now that I see if from your life dream view. Ask questions, become a dream catcher, the history and life of those dreams and find a way to honour both dreams.
4. Gentleness/Softened Start-up: Talking harshly or saying it directly vs. explaining and stating a request.
5. Accepting Influence: Women are much better at this while guys are more resistant to listening to a woman after she requests putting down a toilet seat.
6. Compromise: Calming down is an important part of this because your body is going through a lot of things and chemical exchanges so you are not a good problem-solver until you can self-soothe. After taking a timeout and you’ll reduce the bubbling over of stress.
7. Shared meaning: Build meaning by using time together.